Remnants of Fear and Guilt

The times when I feel completely messed up are becoming less and less. Yet there was a time when bad thinking habits would cause me to feel full of anxiety and insanity. It's quite weird how I used to think that godliness meant degrading myself in order to conjure emotions of contriteness. I thought that the ultimate spiritual experience involved me on the floor, tearfully confessing my sin, my wrong and my ugliness. But later I came to realize that this negative focus on myself actually heaped way more negativity on my shoulders than God ever would. It became clear that I took repentance too far. I made myself and this world into a huge ugly sin monster. It even reached the point where I believed more in the reality of demons following me--messing with me--than I did angels surrounding me, protecting me and working towards my good. Let that play with your head for a little while--it will make you crazy real quick. These fears, which included social anxiety, had me on medication after a few years of tormenting me.

I still struggle with hearing the voice of my conscience and the voice of light.  When my gut and even my head assures me that I am walking in the right direction, this voice in the back of my head says that it could be Satan using the appearance of light to lure me down the wrong path. It's a mind battle that has periodic explosions. I might have a day or two where I feel completely insane and messed up. Though my past, my parents, "the church", and Christianity in general, have all added many wonderful aspects and truths to my life, nonetheless, there are certain parts that have left me expecting doom and focused on negativity.

It has taken me several years of searching and focused effort in order to establish my own voice and clear away the guilt that muffled my connection with God. And it is still very much a work in progress.

But ridding myself of guilt (self-harm), self-protection, negativity, and anxiety has given me tremendous confidence in who I am. Those harmful things hid my worth and told me that this effort to discover the healthy me that God intended, really wasn't worth it--that I wasn't worth it. "God left me in this troubled state," I would think. He wouldn't tell me how to live or what to do no matter how much I prayed. "He probably only works with more important people." And that is where I was for years. But I didn't see that he was teaching me many things through those confusing times. And that I would also see some breakthroughs in the future that would reveal I am now better equipped to handle this world we live in.

I think that the next time I go through a situation where it seems that God isn't hearing me or doing anything to help, I will have more confidence that I am going through something that I simply need to go through. I am being taught valuable lessons and gaining valuable wisdom that will better equip me to heal and help others.

If you are going through confusing cloudy times, my sympathy goes out to you. There is light in the distance. Take comfort that God is working during those times and that you are learning much during those times, that may not be revealed to you until later....

And please...do yourself and everyone else a favor, and get rid of guilt! It took me a long time to realize what I had allowed guilt to do to me. Don't wait as long as I did! Guilt is unnecessary, guilt is damaging, and guilt is toxic. Refuse to beat yourself up about anything--whether you feel you deserve it or not. If you are like me and you worry that you probably shouldn't have said what you did, choose instead to stop those worried thoughts. Replace them with what you will do different next time. And move on with life. No one wants you to beat yourself up!

Positive Affirmations:
~ "I trust the process of life to take me to my higher good. I am safe. All is well."
~ "When I make a mistake, I take advantage of it to improve, to be a better person. I learn from my errors."

Towards Happiness. Patricia Hope. 2009-2011. December 11, 2011
Drs.Lefebre and Burke: weight loss and laser clinic. Dr. Harry J. Lefebre. 2010. December 11, 2011