Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage
By: Michael Misja, PhD and Chuck Misja, PhD (psychologists and brothers)
Do you have a good marriage? Do you have a struggling marriage? Do you have a marriage that is hanging by a thread? This book gives practical tools and insight for any kind of marriage, but particularly for difficult marriages. Every relationship, including good ones, struggles at times. I found this book after my husband told me he was done with our marriage. I was desperate to keep my marriage, yet not compromise who I was and the respect I felt I deserved. I didn't expect much from this book, but found it to be a well-spring of insightful information.
This book offers an alternative to divorce when a relationship has become dysfunctional. It's theme is learning how to not only cope with, but how to thrive in a hard marriage. The authors did a great job of sympathizing with my pain and yet helping me to realize how I can accept my husband (despite the things he might say to offend or hurt me) without accepting his negative behavior. The book taught me what it means to not expect anything more than where my husband was at. This was a lesson in love for me. Love is accepting people where they are at, and using that as a starting point, moving on from there. The lessons I learned from this book saved my marriage. Even my husband took several months to figure out what was going on with me because I changed so much upon his returning from Iraq. The author teaches that when we accept that our marriage may always be difficult or that our spouse may never change, we can still have joy regardless.Their thoughts on obtaining joy amidst marital difficulty are practical, not preachy. The reason why this book is so effective is that it doesn't focus on what our partner may be doing wrong; instead it focuses on how we can respond to that. I highly recommend this book to any married couple.
The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: seeing it, stopping it, surviving, it
By: Leslie Vernick
Leslie Vernick is a licensed social worker with a private counseling practice. She is a Christian counselor so she refers to God and the Bible often. But her advice and information is very practical. Vernick mentions at the beginning of the book that she has received quite a bit of opposition from Christian pastors and other Christians because her advice wasn't spiritual enough for them. So in this book she decided to support much of her advice from Scripture. However, this book is not a Christian book per-se and would benefit people of all religious types that find themselves in harmful relationship. All of the examples she gives really make the destructive behaviors she is teaching about easy to see and understand.
This book will help you to recognize harmful words or actions that your partner, friends, or family may be unconsciously doing to you. It will also give advice on how to stop the emotional harm. There are many books on outright sexual, verbal or physical abuse. However, this book is geared more toward those relationships that cause "equally harmful" abuse but " are not necessarily labeled or recognized as abusive." This book is (I say is, because I am still reading it) very helpful for me as well. After looking through the checklist for recognizing if any of your relationships are destructive, I realized that I did some of those emotionally destructive things. So it is helping me see what my husband does that is not ok, what I do that is not ok, and what my friends may do that is not acceptable. Sometimes I would have really clingy friends, for instance, who would get mad if I wouldn't give them enough time or attention. That always made me feel upset, but I never knew why. This is an example of an emotionally destructive, unhealthy behavior that the author expounds on. Here are some quotes from the book that I really like:
"As I've suggested, a single episode of sinful behavior does not usually constitute a destructive relationship. Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person's growth, however, do...Hurtful attitudes and actions can be exhibited in a variety of different ways within a relationship, such as by consistently treating someone with indifference, neglect, disrespect, cruelty, deception, or harshness."
"The question we need to ask ourselves isn't, Am I giving more? [more than my spouse] but, Is there a habitual pattern of disregard for my felt needs, desires, feelings, goals, or perspectives? If the answer is yes, then we need to learn to speak up so that this pattern changes."
"When we believe we always need a particular someone, we put that person in God's position in our lives. Replacing God with a person will destroy us. In the same vein, it is possible to put others in God's position by giving them the power to determine your worth and value."
Regarding rage: "Power-seeking abusers don't love their victims in a godly way. The abusers' focus is only on their feelings, their wants, their needs, and their preferences. Their victims function merely as objects that can help to fulfill those desires, wishes, needs, and so on. When an abuser fails to attain these goals, rage often results." The rage is "both a punishment (the relationship partner has not met expectations) and a stern warning not to fall short again. The abuser learns that rage works.
Regarding the abuse of lying: "We lie when we pretend things are fine, when in reality we are angry or unhappy. We even lie to ourselves when we make something bad look acceptable or even desirable. I've heard some Christians defend a husband who demands his own way by explaining that he's exercising headship, when in reality he's practicing selfishness."
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
By: John M. Gottman, PhD
I have only skimmed this book, but loved everything I was reading. Again, very practical and definitely insightful. This is actually one of the main marriage books that the army recommends to couples. For more of a description, click the book name above to read Amazon's reviews and description.
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
By John Gray, PhD
The classic book on differences between men and women. All of his books are insightful and practical. This book is a must-read for any married couple. In particular, this book has helped me to be more understanding of my husband. The book has also helped me to recognize which issues are male issues that I need to accept more and which issues are not male issues--just issues that my husband needs to work on. I have also learned more about how I tick and how I can help my husband interact well with me. This book is witty and lighthearted and just an all-around great read. Click on the book name above for more of a description by Amazon.
Dr. Grey's Lectures on Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus:
