The Mess That Remains

Trauma leaves scars. Trauma leaves holes. Trauma throws dark into our light. Trauma leaves us craving--craving a secure and stable place to plant our feet. Trauma leaves us with need. Sometimes the need is stability, sometimes the need is safety, sometimes the need is love or value. Whatever hole is left, it can often be enough to steal our focus and send us on empty goose chases, screaming for our holes to be filled with any and everything that might be able to do just that.

This is where I am at. Only I don't want to admit that nothing will be able to fill that hole except a combination of openness, introspection, God, and time. Time. It certainly took time to create this hole. Six years of trying every way I could think of to make my marriage relationship work, only to see it fail. Yesterday I was reading a compilation of poems in which the author recounts how her mother used to say that when it comes to relationships, if you love someone, they will love you back. The author goes on to explain that she has found that to be true. I wanted to say "bullsh**"! (Excuse my candor.) If that's always true, then I certainly got gypped! But I know that's not always true. Some people want to love, and don't know how. Many people want to love and don't know how. We carry too much baggage from past hurt that keeps us from being able to give or to receive love well. Then there are those who have been so marred by pain, it would seem what they desire is for others to feel the same pain they have experienced. So they defensively put up walls, deflect everything that's uncomfortable, and throw blame where it doesn't lie. They have sort of given up the fight to believe truth. Knowing how to love well after relationship trauma is hard. The challenge lies in knowing how to respond without aggression and destructiveness toward ourselves (first and foremost) and then to others.

But there is also another challenge. And this is where I struggle. I mentioned six years of trying to make a relationship work, but let me rephrase. Six years of trying to gain favor. Six years of trying to figure out how to be favorable. Six years of fearing the answer to the question, "Am I deeply loved?" Six years that robbed me of precious things--things that I needed to survive. I loved someone with all the love I had to give. And of myself, I also gave all. "Here, you can have every part of me. If what you see is not enough, then I will work to be the most beautiful person you've ever known. I will improve myself. I will change where change is needed. I will face and wage war with any ugly truth about myself no matter how afraid I am to do so." I gave all of me. And now it would seem I wasn't good enough, because he is gone. Gone. And I am left. No, pieces of me are left. And this is what I mean by holes. Relationship trauma leaves us with holes--pieces missing. At least, that's how I feel. What I am getting at is that my struggle now lies in coping with those feelings. My coping mechanism is an addiction of sorts.

How does one cope with the frightening questions that are left about his or her value? How does one cope
with viewing the long, seemingly endless road of healing that lies before them. How do I cope with the uncertainty of the future financially, relationally, emotionally and with the doubt that accompanies each decision made. Will I ever feel whole again? Will a man ever be able to see me, to love me unconditionally, to love me deeply and passionately, and to willingly offer all the work that is required. Will I have lasting value in a man's eyes? Or maybe I am too annoying and ugly. Maybe he will feel enamored at first and then lose it. Am I enough to make someone stay? These are the anxieties left with me. These are the the kinds of demons that haunt me, the lies that flirt with me. These are the holes. These are the scars.

I feel bad. What I mean is that I don't feel good, at all. And though I am aware of which road ahead of me is healthiest to tread on, for the first time in my life, it takes everything I have to walk that path and still I can't walk it well. And the reason is that wanting to feel good pulls at me from every side. Even with a promising music career and things falling in line there, I often find myself addicted to feeling good. The craving doesn't just invade my mind; it's attached to me in a pervasive and aggressive way--a leach that wants to suck any peace that would manifest. My inside screams to do whatever it takes to feel ok. And so I step off my pathway toward health in order to feel that. When I choose to hobble back to the path that leads to healing, this craving knaws at my legs and pulls at my limbs. How can anyone resist that? What am I to do with that? I feel so weak. I am starting to unravel. I am starting to crack. I am exhausted from trying to swim upstream, yet not making it anywhere. I want to distract myself from the fear and confusion. I want to feel good. I want to be touched. I want to be held. I want to be caressed. I want to be carried. I want to rest.

It is confusing to know how to respond. The best road seems too hard to walk on. I feel I can't live up. I want to do things that aren't really in my best interest at the moment. But even though I fall off the pathway quite often, I know I am still trying. Even though I feel shame, I truly do believe God sees my tries and has only grace for me in his hands. I think that right now what is needed is that I embrace the mess I feel I am, instead of resisting it. It is ok. I am ok. Deep breath. Imperfectly struggling along the path of healing is ok. And where humans have taken and destroyed, God gives and breathes new life. I hope in his grace and I trust that his arms are strong enough to carry me; though my hope and trust are so meager and small, the lies so loud. But God will take faith the size of a mustard seed. It's not about the amount. It's about the fact that it is even there at all. For the first time in my life, I get that.

God, love me and show me how to love myself, because no one else's love is enough right now. Help me not to stand paralyzed in despair, staring at the long road of healing ahead. Instead give me strength of will to focus on one step at a time. Help me as I stop this striving to figure it all out. Give me grace to just be, to rest, to live patiently. Help my exhaustion. Fill in my holes. Repair the damage these scars reveal. Breathe new life into me and redeem this mess.

"Fit, Fun and Faith"

This is a 40 minute presentation by Dr. Amen. It is well worth the time! In this presentation, Dr. Amen discusses how important it is to take care of our brains, how to take care of our brains, and what problems an unhealthy brains will create. Topics covered are weight loss/obesity, anxiety, depression, personality issues, Alzheimers, sleep apnea, addictions, and so forth.  His lecture is very practical and easy to understand. Enjoy!

Our Brain Determines Who We Are, What We Struggle With

In this 6 minute video clip, Dr. Amen first gives an example of a married couple who have been seeking marriage counseling for three years, to no avail. Dr. Amen scans their brains and finds that the cause of their problems has much of its roots in the damage done to the husband's brain by the chemicals he's exposed to at his work. In the rest of the video, Dr. Amen takes a step back and looks at how our brains determine our personalities, the struggles we deal with, the strengths we have and so forth. Dr. Amen is a physician, psychologist, medical director of Amen Clinics, Inc. and "a pioneer in brain imaging research and is the author of over thirty professional papers and twenty-two books, including the New York Times bestseller Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, as well as Healing ADD, Healing Anxiety and Depression...and the latest book, Sex on the Brain." (1)

I highly recommend his writings. He is gifted at making complex information extremely easy to understand. Yet more than that, his writings (particularly through his book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life) have had a major influence in helping me overcome many of my issues and also in helping me have more compassion for myself by realizing that not everything is a spiritual issue. I have also used much of the information I've learned from him, to counsel the mothers of students I tutor who are struggling in school. Dr. Amen is particularly focused on healing ADD/ADHD. The great thing about Dr, Amen, is that he gives information on how to treat things naturally, which he always recommends to do first. Then he proceeds to give information on the correct medications to use should the natural route fail. Out of all the books I've ever read, I believe that Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, is a resource that should be in every person's home library. Yes it's that good!

1. Henslin, Earl. This is Your Brain on Joy

How Much Self-Focus is Good Self-focus?

Upon developing the subject matter for this particular article, I remembered some well-meaning criticism offered to me at the time this blog started. The criticism had to do with the nature of the blog--how it was inwardly focused. As a Christian, this person believed that it was better to be focused on Jesus and that self-discovery would happen naturally as a result. I know many Christians who would agree with him. After all, it seems logical that self-focus would lead to narcissism and selfishness doesn't it?

My answer to that is yes and no. And the short answer is, it's a balance. It is not uncommon to see a devout Christian tipping the scales in favor of neglecting self to please God and serve others. This was me several years ago. Yet actually this disregard of self did not logically end in self-discovery as my friend suggested it would. Rather the opposite--it left me with no sense of self whatsoever. Is that a bad thing? Yes! Such disregard of self caused me to put up walls in relationships that would protect myself (whatever self I had at the time). You can guess the marital issues that this problem created I'm sure. While I was focused on putting up walls to resist my husband, he was at the same time feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. It almost ended in divorce.

The consequences of ignoring and often degrading myself could go on and on. (As far as the degradation, I grew up Christian. I was taught that I have nothing good in and of myself. Sinners at best; with the touch of Christ, still ugly sinners but whose beauty is all due to Christ's redemption. There was very little talk of the beauty in each of us that reflects the artistry of the Creator--whether redeemed by Christ or not, whether a dingy, hardly-visible beauty or not. There are still pieces of the Creator everywhere. Unfortunately this was rarely if ever talked about. So the more I pondered what I was taught, the smaller I became.)

Another consequence of being so out of touch with myself is that it has been difficult to understand how I need to respond to life according to my strengths and weaknesses. Thus, there has been much confusion as to how to relate to people and what to engage myself in. I would often feel completely drained physically and emotionally because I didn't know what to invest myself in, what to develop, and what to let go or say no to.  It also caused much confusion about my choice of a mate and of a career that is fulfilling and right for me. I've come to see that disregarding self comes with a price!

Yet there is also a price to too much self-focus. I have seen personally how thinking too much about my own self--whether it be unanswered concerns, health, emotional or spiritual issues or just why I do what I do--these thoughts can start consuming me if I'm not careful. And yes, I can dip into a heavy self-focus where it is hard to snap out of it when around others (my personality is very inward anyway). But this is usually at least somewhere around where it stops for me. For others, I think it can go much further than this. For instance, we've all seen men and women using up their partner for whatever they can get, without any intention of giving back. Or women who, misinterpreting the women's liberation movement, claim dominance and require subservience in the home, disregarding their spouse's desires. These are classic cases in which I see "me" written all over them--and not in a good way.

Of the two extremes to self-focus, I'd say that perhaps degrading and disregarding self has the longest lasting scars, but maybe that's because it's the extreme I experienced. Yet almost every area of my life has been affected somewhat negatively by this disrespect of self. I didn't even mention the many self-esteem and insecurity issues I am still trying to overcome. My jobs, relationships, and physical energy/health was at one time very affected by the insecurity issues. In fact, I had a hard time finding any job that involved working with people because I felt so inferior to everyone and unsure of myself or my responses to others.

But I don't want the purpose of this article to be which extreme is worse. Instead I would like to briefly share why being self-aware is both important and relevant for each person.

My psychologist, Dr. Susan Lamb of Savannah Psychotherapy said today that the more connection we have with that deeper or higher part of self (which ever way you prefer to say it :)), the more our walls come down. Immediately when she said that, I understood exactly what she meant. I thought of the walls that I had built up over a 5-year span of marriage with Nate. I thought of how the more walls I put up, the more walls it seemed I needed in order to protect myself from hurt or from having a thousand meltdowns. What helped to bring those walls down was developing a connection with self and a focus on others' growth.

Establishing a deeper connection with self has helped me to stay centered during stressful times, to understand why my reactions are what they are, to monitor what I allow in or what I take from an interaction (positivity or negativity, etc...), and to basically tend to myself when and even before my emotions or physical self gets "sick." Such self-focus helps me to keep my center, so that I have no need for walls around difficult people or in difficult circumstances. Yet if we do tap into our own resources, it is also fitting that there be thanks to God for those resources which he created in us, that there be a recognition of God's huge part in our abilities. God created each individual human body with amazing capabilities for healing and growth in both our own selves and in the lives of others. It is certainly appropriate to give praise where praise is due.

Caring for myself has helped me tremendously to gain confidence, strength, and a proper view of others. From this place of strength, I have been able to give to others. My friend told me once that this place of strength cannot be faked. I thought about how I had been trying to fake strength or confidence and how I never realized that people can see right through it. Giving as an outflow is authentic; not forced. I knew I needed to work on my development.

Not only has self-focus caused me to be a healthier loving person, but also realizing and accepting where people are at (and where I'm at too) has fueled great growth. At a time when my marriage hit rock-bottom, one of  my greatest transformations resulted from realizing that love is working with people where they are at and not expecting any more than that from broken humanity. Acceptance--that is what I had the joy of experiencing. This acceptance ushered me back into present time. I was living in the future so much. I would want my husband to be at some other growth phase in the future--a sort of divine human being who fully accepted me and gave me what I thought I needed. Regarding my own self, I wanted to be not this way, but that. I was living outside of myself and outside of this present time--an issue that affected my relationships in a big way. Once I grasped working with what I had in the present (in both my husband and my own self), my walls came crashing down, taking a load of insecurities down with it. It had nothing to do with ignoring myself in order to love another. In fact the opposite was true. I knew that I needed to nurture and center myself in order to give what love and health I had to give. So I practiced thinking positively of myself and my husband, I practiced prayer and meditation, and one of my greatest centering methods was locking myself in my room after a disagreement to do some self-talk. So both self-focus and focusing outwardly have helped me to become the healthier more loving person that I want to be. I have learned that a proper and loving outward focus always stems from an inner strength. We cannot expect others to become bright from interacting with our dinginess.

In summary, do give the proper amount of attention and care for yourself. You are God's own creation! I believe he expects his creation to care for that which he has and does labor over. Stay focused on what you need so you can nurture yourself and give to others better. If we do that, I think it is safe to say that we are honoring God's labor of love in us and giving our loved ones the best we have to offer.

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