How Much Self-Focus is Good Self-focus?

Upon developing the subject matter for this particular article, I remembered some well-meaning criticism offered to me at the time this blog started. The criticism had to do with the nature of the blog--how it was inwardly focused. As a Christian, this person believed that it was better to be focused on Jesus and that self-discovery would happen naturally as a result. I know many Christians who would agree with him. After all, it seems logical that self-focus would lead to narcissism and selfishness doesn't it?

My answer to that is yes and no. And the short answer is, it's a balance. It is not uncommon to see a devout Christian tipping the scales in favor of neglecting self to please God and serve others. This was me several years ago. Yet actually this disregard of self did not logically end in self-discovery as my friend suggested it would. Rather the opposite--it left me with no sense of self whatsoever. Is that a bad thing? Yes! Such disregard of self caused me to put up walls in relationships that would protect myself (whatever self I had at the time). You can guess the marital issues that this problem created I'm sure. While I was focused on putting up walls to resist my husband, he was at the same time feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. It almost ended in divorce.

The consequences of ignoring and often degrading myself could go on and on. (As far as the degradation, I grew up Christian. I was taught that I have nothing good in and of myself. Sinners at best; with the touch of Christ, still ugly sinners but whose beauty is all due to Christ's redemption. There was very little talk of the beauty in each of us that reflects the artistry of the Creator--whether redeemed by Christ or not, whether a dingy, hardly-visible beauty or not. There are still pieces of the Creator everywhere. Unfortunately this was rarely if ever talked about. So the more I pondered what I was taught, the smaller I became.)

Another consequence of being so out of touch with myself is that it has been difficult to understand how I need to respond to life according to my strengths and weaknesses. Thus, there has been much confusion as to how to relate to people and what to engage myself in. I would often feel completely drained physically and emotionally because I didn't know what to invest myself in, what to develop, and what to let go or say no to.  It also caused much confusion about my choice of a mate and of a career that is fulfilling and right for me. I've come to see that disregarding self comes with a price!

Yet there is also a price to too much self-focus. I have seen personally how thinking too much about my own self--whether it be unanswered concerns, health, emotional or spiritual issues or just why I do what I do--these thoughts can start consuming me if I'm not careful. And yes, I can dip into a heavy self-focus where it is hard to snap out of it when around others (my personality is very inward anyway). But this is usually at least somewhere around where it stops for me. For others, I think it can go much further than this. For instance, we've all seen men and women using up their partner for whatever they can get, without any intention of giving back. Or women who, misinterpreting the women's liberation movement, claim dominance and require subservience in the home, disregarding their spouse's desires. These are classic cases in which I see "me" written all over them--and not in a good way.

Of the two extremes to self-focus, I'd say that perhaps degrading and disregarding self has the longest lasting scars, but maybe that's because it's the extreme I experienced. Yet almost every area of my life has been affected somewhat negatively by this disrespect of self. I didn't even mention the many self-esteem and insecurity issues I am still trying to overcome. My jobs, relationships, and physical energy/health was at one time very affected by the insecurity issues. In fact, I had a hard time finding any job that involved working with people because I felt so inferior to everyone and unsure of myself or my responses to others.

But I don't want the purpose of this article to be which extreme is worse. Instead I would like to briefly share why being self-aware is both important and relevant for each person.

My psychologist, Dr. Susan Lamb of Savannah Psychotherapy said today that the more connection we have with that deeper or higher part of self (which ever way you prefer to say it :)), the more our walls come down. Immediately when she said that, I understood exactly what she meant. I thought of the walls that I had built up over a 5-year span of marriage with Nate. I thought of how the more walls I put up, the more walls it seemed I needed in order to protect myself from hurt or from having a thousand meltdowns. What helped to bring those walls down was developing a connection with self and a focus on others' growth.

Establishing a deeper connection with self has helped me to stay centered during stressful times, to understand why my reactions are what they are, to monitor what I allow in or what I take from an interaction (positivity or negativity, etc...), and to basically tend to myself when and even before my emotions or physical self gets "sick." Such self-focus helps me to keep my center, so that I have no need for walls around difficult people or in difficult circumstances. Yet if we do tap into our own resources, it is also fitting that there be thanks to God for those resources which he created in us, that there be a recognition of God's huge part in our abilities. God created each individual human body with amazing capabilities for healing and growth in both our own selves and in the lives of others. It is certainly appropriate to give praise where praise is due.

Caring for myself has helped me tremendously to gain confidence, strength, and a proper view of others. From this place of strength, I have been able to give to others. My friend told me once that this place of strength cannot be faked. I thought about how I had been trying to fake strength or confidence and how I never realized that people can see right through it. Giving as an outflow is authentic; not forced. I knew I needed to work on my development.

Not only has self-focus caused me to be a healthier loving person, but also realizing and accepting where people are at (and where I'm at too) has fueled great growth. At a time when my marriage hit rock-bottom, one of  my greatest transformations resulted from realizing that love is working with people where they are at and not expecting any more than that from broken humanity. Acceptance--that is what I had the joy of experiencing. This acceptance ushered me back into present time. I was living in the future so much. I would want my husband to be at some other growth phase in the future--a sort of divine human being who fully accepted me and gave me what I thought I needed. Regarding my own self, I wanted to be not this way, but that. I was living outside of myself and outside of this present time--an issue that affected my relationships in a big way. Once I grasped working with what I had in the present (in both my husband and my own self), my walls came crashing down, taking a load of insecurities down with it. It had nothing to do with ignoring myself in order to love another. In fact the opposite was true. I knew that I needed to nurture and center myself in order to give what love and health I had to give. So I practiced thinking positively of myself and my husband, I practiced prayer and meditation, and one of my greatest centering methods was locking myself in my room after a disagreement to do some self-talk. So both self-focus and focusing outwardly have helped me to become the healthier more loving person that I want to be. I have learned that a proper and loving outward focus always stems from an inner strength. We cannot expect others to become bright from interacting with our dinginess.

In summary, do give the proper amount of attention and care for yourself. You are God's own creation! I believe he expects his creation to care for that which he has and does labor over. Stay focused on what you need so you can nurture yourself and give to others better. If we do that, I think it is safe to say that we are honoring God's labor of love in us and giving our loved ones the best we have to offer.

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