Mistreated

This interview is with a good friend of mine who knows what it means to experience rejection and even bullying. Not surprisingly, issues with anxiety, degrading self-talk, and physical self-harm have surfaced as a result. Below is a bit about her journey and how she has overcome some of the issues she once dealt with. She was hesitant to seem too harsh or too negative about her family. But she knows that she can help others to feel less alone by sharing. I think she is very brave. And I will say that for all the mistreatment she has absorbed, today she is probably the most truly good and caring person I've ever met.

Could you explain a little bit about your childhood?

I often felt mistreated and left out of my own family growing up. There was quite a long time period when I went to live with my dad and step-mom. My step-mom was jealous of the affection I had for my real mother, so she would regularly tell me that my mom didn't love me. After a few years of this verbal abuse, I went to live back home. I was 10 at this point. At this time, my brother was living at home and one of my sisters moved in shortly after. My sister was on drugs for a while. During this time, she had a habit of unreasonably bossing everyone around, which was very difficult. When I moved back home, I really felt out of the loop because I had spent several years living away from them. Sometimes it seemed that my family liked it this way. There were times when it seemed like my mother would act as if she didn't know I was home as her excuse for not taking me shopping with her and my other sisters. But she had seen me at home. It didn't make sense. I felt left out. When it came time to eat, my preferences were seen as a burden to my family and were conveniently forgotten on a regular basis. For instance, everyone including myself would be asked by mom how we wanted our burger cooked. My brother and sister had very specific and detailed preferences for their burger; whereas all I asked for was meat and cheese on a bun. After the burgers were cooked, mom would go through each member of the family and tell them how she did their burger exactly as they had asked. But every time, I would receive a burger with stuff on it that I didn't ask for. When I would tell my mom her mistake, she would sigh and get agitated. "Why do you have to be so picky. Just eat it and stop being a brat," she would say. Anything I questioned or disagreed with was consistently met with, "Oh you are such a brat. You are so spoiled," when in actuality I was picked on and left out. I was made to feel guilty for having a say though the rest of my family was allowed their opinions. I was made to feel guilty for wanting anything. I received blame instead of understanding for these things constantly.

How did all this blame and mistreatment affect you later in life? 

I became a cutter. But not only did I act out on myself, I acted out on my parents. Then I would feel a huge amount of guilt for causing my mom trouble (my mom in particular, because I really did love her). I think that partly I cut because I felt guilty for being cruel at times to my mom. I guess I would act out towards my mom because she always babied my sisters and brothers. Even though my sister was on drugs for years and had children at a young age (about 17), still I was the one who cared for her son when she was in rehab while she was babied. I would even babysit her son while she would go out and get drunk many weekends. This special treatment she received, that was withheld from me, made me feel hurt, angry and unloved.

What did cutting do for you?

Cutting does different things for each person. For me, cutting released bottled up stress--released energy. But I was completely numb at the time, so I didn't feel it much. When my family found out about my cutting, they said I was overreacting because of raging teenage hormones. They thought I was doing it for attention. But I wasn't cutting for attention, because I actually tried to keep it a secret. I had been cutting years before my mom even knew. Who cuts for attention anyway? I can't imagine anyone doing that simply for attention. Usually there's a lot of hurt there. 

How long did you cut? 

I cut for about four or five years or maybe even more. I think I started when I was eight. When I really got scared was when I cut so deep one time on accident that I could see bone. It wouldn't stop bleeding. I didn't want to die. So I knew I had to tell mom. I was scared because I didn't want to break her heart. Nonetheless, I went out into the kitchen where she was on her hands and knees mopping the floor. I told her that I had to talk to her and started bawling. She said, "What is your problem? What happened?" In a broken, cracking voice I replied, "Sorry, so sorry. Please don't get mad at me. I didn't mean it. It was an accident!" She then saw blood. "What did you do?" she said frantically. "We need to go to the hospital. What's wrong? Did you try to kill yourself?" mom asked. "How did this happen?" We rushed to the hospital. I could tell that the doctor saw my previous scars from cutting. He then suggested to my mom that it wasn't an accident and that I be kept in the hospital for my protection. My mom said no, so he gave her a number for a therapist instead. Mom made me promise not to cut. I started seeing a therapist. First it was just me; then my mom joined me at the request of the therapist. That's when I told my mom a lot of sh** that she never dreamed was happening, like me being molested. Then I was accused of lying and a bunch of stuff happened. But we did talk through a lot of things and my mom and I became very close. She realized I wasn't just being a brat, but I genuinely had issues.

When did you stop cutting and what caused you to stop? 

I stopped cutting a year after therapy. For a while, I hid it, but finally I couldn't stand it anymore--what it was doing to my mother when she would find out. I felt guilty. I was in an institution for two weeks and felt crazy with all of the weird people there. After explaining that the institution was making me feel crazier than before, they released me on one condition. "If your mom catches another cut on you or you don't take your meds, then you will be sent out of state for five months to a year where you will have no contact with anyone." I couldn't stand the thought of being away from my family--my nieces and nephews and my mom. So after years of cutting, I finally had the motivation to stop.

What negative self-talk did you develop, if any?

I'm ugly. I'm stupid. 

What do you do to keep from beating yourself up and to resist the negativity?

 

I make an effort to think positively and to think the best of people in particular. That has really helped. I try to take the negative that was done to me and turn it into something positive that I will make sure I do differently. Also, I get misunderstood a lot so I try not to do that to other people. If someone is bothering me, I try to get everything out before it drives me crazy. Reason being, I do have low self-esteem and thus the negative self-talk. I could drive myself crazy with it if I'm not careful. Lastly, if someone is bothering me and pushing negativity on me, I keep them out of my life. 

Did you have other issues from your childhood that you wanted to discuss?

Family friends were the cause of sexual abuse. I was molested twice. Also child molester nearly kidnapped me. He would stalk me quite often. I told the police about this several times and even went to court, but there was nothing they could do--there was no evidence. It was extremely frightening and traumatic. During the court trial, I had to testify against him. They made me spell out my name and address in front of him. I was terrified that he knew some personal information about me and that he knew I testified against him. I was afraid that he could perhaps follow me for years more or seek revenge on me. This ordeal messed me up for years to come, not to mention the years I was being followed.

How has the incident with almost being kidnapped affected you?  

At first I wouldn't leave my house or go outside. Even after we moved, when it would get dark, I wouldn't go outside. He actually started following me again after I moved which was really frightening at that point. When I saw him following me and my friends again I was scared to death. Today I am hypervigilant about being aware of my surroundings and if someone is following me. Sometimes a car behind me will make a few of the same turns as me and so I will circle around my neighborhood for a while until they turn off. Also I am extremely protective over my nieces' and nephews' safety. 

How did you cope with the anxiety surrounding being almost kidnapped? 

It happened so often that I basically came to the point where I said, "Let him try something. I'll kill him." When I think people are following me now, I just try to think and act smart instead of worrying about it.

How has the molestation affected your relationship with your husband? 

I don't let it affect that. It certainly has affected relationships in my past, however. For a while I didn't want to date, and I was a virgin until 18 or 19. I just didn't want to have sex. Though I had guy friends, there was a sort of hidden mentality where I saw many men as disrespectful and only wanting one thing. No one was going to get the chance to disrespect me. But now is different. I've learned how to pick out good men and have a husband who treats me well, which is a definite positive that has come from this.

What kinds of issues do you struggle with now? 

I struggle with manic depression, panic attacks/anxiety, and with saying no. I was always made to feel like a brat for disagreeing or having an opinion, so that's where that comes from.

Besides the molestation, kidnapping incident, and feeling left out, where do you think these issues came from? Explain a little more about the issues you developed.

Some of it is learned traits, some of it is inherited, and some of it is that my parents were always arguing (I was in the middle. Mom would b**ch about dad to me and dad would b**ch about mom to me). Also, I was made to feel guilty for saying no to anything they wanted me to do. They would get very upset. So I started learning that if someone asks you for a favor and you say no, they will get pissed off and will usually end up talking sh*t about you. Though I do realize that people are selfish and immature in that way, still it is hard to say no. For instance, the one time I stood up to my sister and said, "No I'm not taking your son to school," she ended up kicking me out of the house. "You need to get up and take my son to school," she said. Then there was screaming and yelling followed by her telling me to "Move the f**k out!" I did everything for my nephew. I took care of him most of the time. But the one time when I wanted to teach him responsibility and say no to my sister, I was punished. 

Here's another example of someone trying to force their responsibilities on me. When I was around ten or eleven, my sister made a huge meal with a huge mess. Then she told me to clean up her mess. I didn't even eat dinner there and had plans to go out with friends. Everyone else was being lazy on the couch. But she kept trying to force me to clean regardless of whether I ate there or not. I explained that I didn't see why I had to clean when I didn't even eat the meal and when I had previously-planned engagements. She yelled and said, "I don't give a f**k. You have to clean the kitchen anyway." My sisters finally locked me in my room so I couldn't go anywhere. I was banging on the door for a long time. Finally I believe it was my step-dad who opened it. I cried to him and told him I was freaking out. I went into the living room, trying to leave again. My sisters started b****ing again. It was a two hour mess and the whole thing made no sense. They were being lazy and mean. I told them, "I'm not cleaning this up. This is ridiculous. I'm going to the movies." They called me names, like brat and princess even though I wasn't even there to eat dinner. Finally, feeling so overwhelmed by this issue and always feeling mistreated, I took a big knife and held it to my throat. I said, "I can't take this anymore and I'm gonna slice my throat." I was being overly-dramatic as my sisters also knew, but I don't think they understood that I was being serious at the same time. I had snapped in a way. My older sister just said, "Whatever." Realizing that her son was there witnessing this potential suicide event, she said, "Can you go somewhere else so we don't have to clean up your bloody mess?" 

That's crazy! How could your sister be so cold even jokingly?  

She knew I wasn't going to do it, but she was being stupid because I could've. She actually gave me a bottle of aspirin and said, "Here, go take all of these instead." It was almost like a dare to me. "I'm not gonna pussy out now," I thought. So I took most of the bottle that night and passed out. In the morning I told my tired and overworked mother what happened and that my stomach hurt. She said that I was being overly dramatic and told me that she really didn't want to deal with this. Her response is a good example of why I never really felt heard. 

 

How do you cope with your anxiety and depression? 

Talking about my problems and not holding things in really helps. I become really overwhelmed and feel crazy if I hold things in. Also, not over-thinking issues helps.

How do you avoid over-thinking what is bothering you? 

I don't concentrate on them. If something is bothering me and I can't fix it, then I do what I can (talk about it and so forth), and if it still isn't fixed, I put it away and move on.  I've tried to communicate with my family about things that have bothered me, but it was too distressing for them to hear or deal with because of their massive guilt. At the time, I tried to remind myself that my family members have their own issues too. We are all human and broken. And I've learned, it's not what you hold on to, it's what you are able to take from the past and move on with. Like my daughter won’t have to deal with the sh*t I dealt with. She won’t have to question if she’s loved. It’s what you take from a negative situation and what you make positive from it. I’ve learned that negativity can kill you if you let it! It’s almost done it to me twice. There are plenty of people who have lived way worse than me. I think that in the grand scheme of things, I’m lucky in many ways. I have good parents and good sisters and we all have a good relationship now. But we were pretty f***ed up at one time and did f***ed up things to each other.

What kind of negative personality traits have you picked up from your family? 

We like to suppress emotions and particularly in our relationships. Waiting until we explode doesn't make for good communication. Yeah, either we lash out or suppress it. 

Why do you think that is?

Well for my sisters, they had to witness their second dad being abusive to mom and chasing her with a knife. So they had some traumatic stuff going on. Also, they grew up without their dad. He was out of the picture for a long time. As a result of this, my sisters oddly go after abusive men themselves. Thus the cycle of trauma and hurt is never laid to rest. So for my sisters, I think that suppressing their issues and then lashing out has to do with father issues and low self-esteem. I think I picked up on some of these communicative, anxiety and self-esteem issues. 

Previously you mentioned dealing with anxiety attacks. Do you have any advice for others who may be having a hard time dealing with panic attacks? 

Don't worry, this will pass soon. It won't last forever. It won't kill you. It will pass. Often if I get worried that I am having an anxiety attack, it gets worse. But if I get up, move, go clean something or talk to someone, (anything to distract) then all of a sudden it's gone. I won't even realize it. As soon as I get them, I ignore them. Think of it as a normal part of your life that will pass.

What advice would you give for younger girls who don't know how to deal with their family's baggage and mess being placed upon them? What advice would you give to keep them from self-harm and to deal with things better?

SEEK GUIDANCE. Don't necessarily get put on meds. Go to therapy and learn how to deal with your emotions instead of meds. My opinion would be to avoid relying on medication to deal with your emotions. You need to deal with the issues instead of suppressing them. Your past will always be with you, but medication won't. Deal with it now--the sooner, the better. It's important to know that help doesn't always come to you. You may need to be brave and seek it. If you don't deal with it, then you are f***ed.

Do you have any advice for those who are trying to cope with difficult families and feel trapped, unloved and unwanted? 

Yeah, go to therapy! I don't know how I would've made it without that. Not meds--therapy. Some of my therapists were better than others, but overall, therapy really helped. If you can't see a therapist, talk to someone older who is willing to understand, who will not judge or pity you. Talk to someone who will give you positive feedback. Deal with the issues, learn from them and don't sit in it or it will kill you. If you want a better life, you can have it. But you have to be proactive about it. And you have to learn to move on.

How can a person be a good support for a friend who is causing self-harm? 

Listen. Talk. Ask question,s and then shutup. Don't judge; let them talk. Be there. DON'T JUDGE. And don't ask cutters why they are trying to commit suicide, because they aren't trying to do that. If they wanted to commit suicide, then they would.

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