Dealing With My Demons

Sometimes I feel like I am the most fearful person I have ever known.

In former posts I have alluded to the fact that I seem to have developed a specific fear, that evil spirits are around me and may manifest at anytime. I was very hesitant to come right out and fully talk about this because first of all, the more I focus on it, the more paranoid I feel. Second, I am not sure that other people really seem to struggle with this. But I think we can all relate to fear.

For me, it's pretty bad. The fear can terrorize me at specific times especially, such as when I blow-dry my hair (oddly), wash my face, and lie down at night. Actually, for two years, every now and then when I wash my face, I feel a face at my right ear. I don't know if it's my imagination or if I am actually sensing something evil. Though I am generally ok when there is a lot to do and think about, when my lifestyles slows, the paranoia seems to invade my mind. My husband will tell you that I "jump" easily and that I'm very sensitive to anyone that even remotely sneaks up on me. If this all weren't bad enough, I often think I see something move out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes it can feel like I am truly being terrorized. I can tell you, it has been difficult to deal with such extreme fear as a normal part of every-day life.

So, my psychologist started me on anxiety meds last year which actually made the anxiety worse. Now I am off meds and just as fearful as ever.

A few nights ago, I sat in the room I had locked myself in, crying. I told God that I didn't understand why He seemed to leave me feeling so vulnerable at times when I was really feeling scared. I told him that I didn't understand why His comfort was so intangible to me and that I didn't understand why when I prayed for peace in times of fear, I often didn't get it. Why was it that God seemed distant and uninvolved? Was He trying to torture me in a different way by just standing by and watching, without doing anything? Where was the peace and help God promised in His Word to bring? These are the things I thought about and told God that night.

During my times of fear, I seemed to have tried everything, including changing how I think and saying verses to myself. One often recited passage was, "I will lift up my eyes unto the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord...." Even though I say it often during times of fear, it seems I have learned over time that such a phrase cannot be fully trusted. Sometimes it really does seem like help doesn't come--that we go through the crap and sometimes come out still feeling messed up, without a sense of peace or direction. So that night I explained why I was confused, why I doubted, and why I felt I couldn't trust God. He knew that I had come to him before in much the same way--crying, and begging for his help in this matter. How could I expect to meet "my demons" with boldness if I couldn't trust him--if He didn't do His part? I prayed--no I begged--for peace, help, and discernment.

After talking with my husband about all of this, I decided to call my old pastor--the pastor I had while living in Indiana last year. He has sort of remained a mentor for me and is one person whose advice and perceptions I really trust. As we talked on the phone this morning, he explained that sometimes God seems distant because we have all this other stuff surrounding us--all this baggage and emotions from our past that are begging for us to deal with them. He said that maybe God really wants us to deal with those things in order to enter into a better relationship where he can walk and talk with us again in a closer relationship than we've experienced yet. As he spoke these words, I saw the truth in them. I usually deal with most of my emotions and baggage as soon as I see they are there, but it's very possible that I still have some things to deal with in regards to my husband. I kept that thought in my mind as he spoke.

Pastor suggested that maybe I should think about those things that made me feel connected to God when I was younger. Though I need not reincorporate every part of the relationship I had with God as a youth, still he suggested that I be sensitive to certain good things which God may want me to reclaim. When he said that, I immediately knew what that was--I need to read my Bible more.

I do want to get to the place where when I become scared, I will have great confidence that God is not only watching me, but that he is involved with my protection.

He asked me what this connection with God--knowing he was involved in my life--would do for me. Immediately I knew how to respond. This connection to God would build my trust in his protection, give me courage, take away my feeling of vulnerability and maybe even lessen or remove my fears altogether. It was easy for me to see how the doubts about God and my resulting fears were linked.

I will make time to read my Bible more and see how this may change the nature of my connection with God and the fear issues. I'll be sure to give you an update :)

Everyone has their own "demons" to deal with (though not always literally speaking as with me). In Scripture, Paul calls his a "thorn in his flesh." For some of you who are like me, your "demon" is fear. Fear always follows me and tempts me to stop moving forward in many areas of my life. If that is you, just know that you are not alone. I wouldn't dare tell anyone dealing with fear, to just stop fearing. It's not that simple. But there is a reason why we fear. We fear because there is some way in which we feel vulnerable or unprotected. Maybe some of the advice given today will help you to sift out what is really going on and help you get to the heart of the problem. Peace be to all of you ~

Picture: http://www.healthspablog.org/2010/12/21/fear-the-woman-who-does-not-know-what/