In the past, I have become quite frustrated with Christians who would want to make me fit into their box. It reminded me of that child's activity where for example, you have to put the circle into it's matching circle hole. Only, I felt like a rectangle trying to fit. I would wonder if these people really believed that God's ways are not always our ways or that God works with each person differently. Let me explain.
I grew up one of the most passionate Christians you will ever meet. My Bible was marked and worn from daily study and I was often out with churches and organizations sharing gospel literature. I wouldn't be surprised if my classmates remember me as being a conservative Christian loudmouth, since I was also very vocal! Although annoying to some, I was at least sincere. I loved God and spent many private prayer sessions in tears. However, there came a point in my life, where it seemed like God decided to take me away from black and white truths and into the world of grey.
I slowly began to realize that after reading my Bible and praying, I would act grumpy and mean toward my family. It seemed like for all the reading and praying I did, it wasn't helping me to be holy. My head knew that reading my Bible didn't make me holy, but my feelings didn't. I would keep thinking I was ok because I spent "time with God." So in order to live in love, to live in holiness, I decided it would be best to put my Bible on the shelf for a time. This time ended up being several years long. However, it was one of the best things I could've done. I really did grow in love and kindness, understanding more of what a holy Christ-filled life is all about. My parents and even less conservative Christians were shocked. They tried to make me see the error of my ways. Everywhere I turned, I seemed to have a hard time finding anyone who understood. So I ended up feeling alone, frustrated, anxious, depressed, and terribly confused! I felt so strongly that I was doing what I needed to do--what God wanted me to do. But my religious superiors all disagreed.
My life started taking more unconventional turns. Church would continually frustrate me. Perhaps it was something the preacher said that sounded ignorant or perhaps it was the emotional manipulation I would often find or the lack of substance in sermons or the guilt-based methods for developing devout Christians. It was hard for me to see good intentions or any benefit for going to church since I would always leave frustrated and angry that things weren't how they should be. I thought, "This is only upsetting my life and causing me to think divisively. And I don't know how to stop it." So, I stopped attending church so much. This decision also proved to be good for me because I realized during this time that there were religious methods I grew up with (such as guilt-based encouragement and self-deprication) that were causing my emotional reactions at church. I needed time away to heal from that. Yet, here again, I was reproved and misunderstood. As an aside, I can understand why others were concerned but I know that for myself, in the future I will have more trust in God's unique path regarding each individual.
Lastly, one of my biggest unconventional turns was doing whatever I wanted. I would say that for most Christians--liberal or conservative--this would send up a red flag. And I wouldn't suggest this for everyone. But for me, someone who tried too hard in a way to please God, yet was struggling with guilt and being absorbed by the anxiety of questioning if everything I did was right, this was one of the best things that I ever did. One of my most common phrases was "I should do" instead of "I want to." I felt obligated to do everything I did. And over time, I ended up losing any desire to "want to." I felt guilty for that, as well as the fact that I felt so messed up--living how I thought God wanted me to and yet allowing others' voices to cause doubt. I felt vulnerable and unsure for not going the way that everyone said was truth so I started feeling like Satan was following me and messing with my head. It was quite honestly, torture.
Finally a friend suggested that I just stop caring so much about if I was doing what I should and just do whatever I want. At first I thought, no I can't do that. It's "dangerous" and wrong. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw the benefits it could have for me. So that's exactly what I decided to do--whatever I wanted. I stopped forcing things. If I wasn't sure about a particular belief, then I didn't make myself believe it anyway. If I didn't want to do a certain thing, then I didn't. I let everything flow naturally. Little did I know that I had a grieving and healing process to go through. It was essential that I allowed that, as hindsight attests.
My decision to do what I wanted happened at a time when I was wrestling with God and taking a good look at the baggage leftover from my past. Fortunately my heap of guilt slowly wore away. And because I had maintained a strong desire to love God with my life, I still kept a conscience. After times when I acted selfishly, I realized that I didn't LIKE being such a way and instead of beating myself up with guilt, I just decided that next time I WANTED to be giving instead. I realized that though I was doing whatever I wanted, it didn't only include selfishness (which is where I thought this method would take me). In fact, I didn't want to be selfish at all. I eventually discovered that what I wanted was to love others with my life. But it wasn't mixed with obligation like my past desire to love others was--it was purely from the heart.
You are probably wondering where I am at now. Generally speaking, I am much healthier. I actually enjoy going to church, well my church. :) And I can usually float above any frustrations there. Also, I am able to focus more on what is good since my emotions aren't getting as much in the way. As far as reading Scripture, I now find more benefit in reading the Scripture since my perspective has been changing. I also enjoy it much more. Finally, doing what I want has ended up helping me regain my past desire for helping and healing others.
The benefits of following my own unique path are numerous. I will just list a few. First, I became ok with my extreme stubbornness and strong-willed temperament, qualities that always seemed like a bad thing in Christian circles. I have learned more of how to use these characteristics for good instead of trying to make them go away. I have become more ok with who I am, realizing that the way I am and the way my mind works were both created by God. And that I should trust my instincts more, as well as God, who has promised that no man, not even my own self, can "pluck [me] out of His hands." Oddly, I find real comfort in Hosea, who was told by God to marry a prostitute. How unconventional! How shocking to those of his day!
I say all this not to bash anyone who encouraged me to do what was conventional--because their advice can be good for many people and times. And I say all this not to encourage anyone to follow my path either. But the reason why I wanted to share this is to give encouragement to any of you who feel like you have to live in secret because you are doing what you feel is right for the person God made YOU to be. Trust your gut. I think that when we love God, our gut instinct is very often God's voice. Don't let anyone tell you what is right for you to do. Consider it, but don't let it control your decisions. I did this, and it is the one thing I regret. If I would've followed my gut on each matter, then I would've arrived where I am now a lot quicker and with less baggage and anxiety to work through. Here's something even more poignant to consider. Had Hosea listened to the religious authorities of his day, he likely would've ended up being disobedient to God in this matter of marriage. So in conclusion, take a good look at who you were created to be, what you need to do based on that, and have faith that even if you make mistakes in your decision-making process, what belongs to God, will always be His.
~ "Preserve
my life, for I am godly and dedicated; O my God, save Your servant, for
I trust in You [leaning and believing on You, committing all and
confidently looking to You, without fear or doubt]." Psalm 86: 2
~ "Who are you to judge someone else’s servants? They stand or fall before their own Lord (and they will stand, because the Lord has the power to make them stand). One person considers some days to be more sacred than others, while another person considers all days to be the same. Each person must have their own convictions. Someone who thinks that a day is sacred, thinks that way for the Lord. Those who eat, eat for the Lord, because they thank God. And those who don’t eat, don’t eat for the Lord, and they thank the Lord too" Romans 14:4-6
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1 comment:
Thanks so much for sharing your story Jess, I think it will hit home with many people and be helpful
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