For instance, Nate and I recently had an upset about our puppy, Luther. Luther has not had all of his shots yet, so I tend to be a little more protective about where he plays, drinks from, etc... Last Sunday, as I opened the back door to get something, Luther ran out and starting drinking rain water from outside. Anxious, I quickly said "No!" Nate started saying, "What are you doing? What are doing?" Apparently, Nate thought it a better idea to choose our battles so we are not constantly saying no. Though I thought his point was valid, still I thought I knew enough about bacteria to be able to make a snap decision about this wisely. So we argued.
In a previous article I mentioned that my husband doesn't need validation from me like I need it from him. When referring to sharing our problems or stresses, this is normally true. Nate would prefer solutions to his problems or just the freedom to not have to share them; I would prefer validation and a listening ear most often. But as my pastor shared with me, men, and Nate in particular, still do need validation generally speaking. Seeing that the argument was getting emotional quick, I tried to think of a way to bring our emotions back down. After we had thoroughly talked about each side of the issue, I responded, "Well I see your point and think it's valid. Do you see the validity of my point?" After Nate responded with a yes, I then asked, "How do you think we could compromise so both of our anxieties about the puppy's welfare are worked out?"
Then my husband got caught up in the the word "anxiety." It's amazing how much a small word or phrase can push a person to defensive mode. "What? I'm not being anxious. Now my mom is an anxious person--always anxious, as you know. But not me--ever." I imagined that this is what was going on in Nate's head. My husband's mom controlled or limited the family too much because of her anxieties. Anxiety was an emotional, negative word to Nate and I should've known not to use it in reference to his behavior. So I rephrased with "concerns" and proceeded to offer a compromise.
At the beginning of our marriage, I would think my way was right and reasoned that because of that, I needn't offer a compromise. But that attitude helped dig us further and further into a hole emotionally. I've become much better at thinking of compromises! So I simply said, "How about next time I dump the water out without saying no?" Nate liked the idea and the argument was over. My desires didn't get trampled upon and neither did his.
Compromise is definitely a huge part of marriage as many couples know. But good communication is important as well (for instance, not using emotional words, like "anxiety" was for Nate), and couples can rarely get through that part alone, much less proceed to compromise.
Communication has many facets, so it can be hard to learn how to do this well, especially if many bad communication techniques developed from a young age, must be undone. The frustrating part is that compromise often follows good communication. If you think about, usually compromise is made after a discussion about the two sides of the issue right? But couples often get stuck in communication. We get offended by our partner's use of emotional words, loud voice, sarcasm (often subtle disrespect), and so forth. This is all very subtle so it is easy for an argument to escalate, and 30 minutes later, both are wondering how a conversation about which brand of dog food to buy got so emotionally heated!
The point I'm making is that we often get stuck in communication--not even really knowing what is going on. If we want to build bridges to compromise, then working on communication will help us with that. Consider reading a book on good communication skills. That helped me to be more aware of what is going on.
Another thing that helped me to recognize deflection, shifting blame and whatever other bad communication habits we had was to email or instant message Nate when we were arguing over an issue, print it out, and then show it to someone who already had good communication skills. I was given a lot of helpful advice that way. And it is so worth the slight embarrassment to ask for someone's help.
Whatever works for you, do it! Good communication makes a huge difference in the kind of energy your home has. Is it negative or positive? Turbulent or peaceful? Great communication involves knowing about your partner, including his or her background and insecurities; then finding the least offensive way to make your point, so it is received in the best possible way. I always knew communication was important, but I've never really seen it's impact until recently. Once there is significantly less attacking, shifting blame, or other bad communication habits going on in our arguments, then compromise is able to be attained much easier. And the result of good communication and compromise? A high likelihood for a great marriage.
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