"Do You Need a New Marriage?"

Mark Driscoll and his wife recently came out with a book called Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together that apparently addresses a full-range of marriage issues. From what I've read of the reviews, this book seems to be very specific in what it addresses as well as the kind of advice given. Though I am not really a big fan of Driscoll's, still this book seems intriguing. I would definitely like to see a Christian tackle specific issues that we face today with sex and marriage.

The Washington Post published an article in January written by Mars Hill pastor, Mark Driscoll. The article is titled, Do You Need a New Marriage? and includes a list of statistics about our society's trend of divorcing and remarrying as well as living together. Perhaps like many of you, I had already heard the dismal fate of many second marriages. But what was shocking to me were the statistics about couples who cohabitate. Driscoll states, "Studies almost always find that cohabitation is associated with a higher divorce risk, with estimates ranging from 33 percent to 151 percent increased risk of divorce."

I must say, that until now, I had begun to think that living together as a precursor to marriage, seemed like a great idea. At least, such an arrangement seemed like it would've solved a lot of the issues that Nate and I had with not really knowing each other or how we would do with sharing an income and making decisions as one. Makes sense to give it a trial run. But, if these statistics really are accurate, then I think I've changed my mind!

Using these statistics and many  more, Driscoll essentially proves how the methods we are using to obtain better marriages, simply are not working. If remarrying and cohabitating are often not creating better marriages, then what? Driscoll's response is, "Start a new marriage with the same spouse."

What is oh-so-hard about that proposal is that our present culture breeds very few people with that mindset. The chances of matching two people up who are willing to "start a new marriage with the same spouse" even after the many frustrations and stings, is very rare now. I think about my marriage and how it's improved so much in just a year's time. But if my husband didn't care about fixing things, didn't care to work on communication or other issues, then I don't honestly know where we would be right now. One person cannot pull the weight of change and love while the other deflects love or stifles it. It takes two to really make a marriage work. What are the chances these days of pairing two people together who are willing to start a marriage and restart and restart again if necessary and so on. The fact is that most often, people change in some way after marriage. If the spouse finds it too difficult to flow with that change, then that couple is likely screwed! If divorce is not their avenue of choice, then they are looking at many years of heated arguments or cold silence, frustration, stings, pricks, pokes, pain, hurt, distance, deadness.

Yet as I sit here thinking about all this, I realize that there is always hope. Based on my experiences, I do believe there is a lot of power both in prayer and in positive, grateful thinking. Also, the Bible speaks of a husband being won over by his wife's good conduct. I think that being won over doesn't just apply to becoming a Christian, but also to becoming a more loving person. Meekness (power that is controlled) often yields a good response. As we focus on what our responsibilities are in the relationship, and we become good at that, good at loving, then I believe very often we will see a re-kindled desire in our apathetic partners for re-creating a beautiful and harmonious relationship.

So maybe starting a new marriage with the same spouse is not only possible but probable in regards to producing a great marriage.That's good 'cause I sure as heck don't have what it takes to start over with a completely different set of past baggage, idiosyncrasies, and expectations!