I thought, that does happen with women often. Why do we do that? Are we really more upset? It's been a year now that I've been mulling over this from time to time. And I've come to realize that often when someone sympathizes or empathizes with us, it provides the emotional release we need. So, we may cry as evidence of that. If a man wants his wife to shut-up, he should probably spend more time telling her how to fix her problem or get over it. However, that could backfire! He may find himself listening to his wife's newly developed problem--him!
Often telling a woman to fix her problem or get over it may shut us up, but that silence doesn't mean we feel better. It means our voice has been stifled. Likely, most women already know this, I just thought it was interesting how that when I get sympathy or support for a hard problem I'm facing, I end up reacting more emotional.
My husband and I argued this weekend over this very issue. He explained that he did want to love me well, but that it is frustrating to have to listen to me go on about a problem even if I explain what I need from him (to listen or validate or whatever). Even if he knows that by doing these things, he can be helpful, still it's just plain irritating to him. (I did go on and on about one of my recent girlfriend issues.) Nate went on to explain that he wants to be honest, tell me exactly what he thinks and exactly what I need to do. He could only bite his tongue for so long. Life lesson learned here? Sometimes we don't care if loving others in the way they need to be loved is helpful to them. We want to love them in the way we think best. It's SO MUCH EASIER that way! But if we are not careful, we will wake up one day and realize that there is a huge chasm between us and the ones we love. This approach distances us from our loved ones and it certainly doesn't help them any either. Regarding this issue, Nate is certainly not the only culprit and though he doesn't always want to listen to me, at least he is aware that I need it at times. I, on the other hand, am not always so aware. There are definitely times when I find myself in arguments with Nate over an issue where I have disrespected him unknowingly. Being aware of our loved one's needs and boundaries is very important if we are ever to love them well.
It was important for me to understand that my husband doesn't need the same kind of treatment as I do. He doesn't need for me to listen to his problems, validate the difficulty he is facing, and tell him that I'm here for him. He prefers not sharing his problems at all, as many males do. At the end of a work day, he would rather me not even ask about his day. I always think, well he needs someone to listen to his struggles. But I've come to realize that men are different than women in this way, generally speaking. He usually doesn't need someone to listen to his problems. Solutions can be great for a male, but often men seek release from their problems by listening to music, watching TV, or listening to other people's problems. Dr. John Grey of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus explains this often in his lectures and books. Our relationship seems to work best when I don't prod about things that are bothering Nate and when I simply give him space. Seems so odd to me as a woman!
I can see now, that loving someone in the way they need to be loved brings release, relief, and healing to the suffering one. And we draw closer to them as we love them in such a way.
One aspect of love that I am working on is "seeing." Because I know that loving (my husband in particular) means that I open my eyes to what he is asking or needing from me and that I go on to respect that. Be aware this week of how your loved one needs to be loved or even how your loved one is asking to be loved. Sometimes we think others need to hear something that they are really not receptive to. Not every time is the appropriate time for "truth". We should all be careful about intrusion and overstepping our boundaries. Respect is an important part of love.
Picture: photbucket.com
3 comments:
Jessica,
I think you are correct in stating that empathy provides an opportunity for further emotional release. An empathic response if a form of validation – it says, “you have a right to feel the way you do.” When someone validates our feelings/emotions (through empathy or sympathy) it provides us with “permission” to experience and express those feelings at an even deeper level. This can be helpful in fully processing emotional responses. However, it is worth noting that the goal of empathy is not to provide the opportunity for rumination but to simply identify with (validate) the other person’s feelings. (See Marital Quality, Forgiveness, Empathy and Rumination: A Longitudinal Analysis for more on this). While it is true that on average women may project this emotional reaction more readily than men do, the benefits of having an empathic response is not lost on men. The problem is that society has pinned men into only being afforded two emotional responses: humor and anger. Anything that is not funny, i.e. is hurtful, produces anxiety, is frustrating, etc., can only be expressed as anger. Therefore men want to have their anger validated - “you have a right to be angry with that person.” The problem with this approach is that anger is a secondary emotion and the real emotion contributing to the anger (hurt feelings, anxiety, frustration) are not addressed.
The emotional “chasm” which can develop between men and women is aptly discussed in Dr. Emmerson Eggerich’s book Love & Respect and I recommend taking the short amount of time needed to read his perspectives on the matter. In the book he delves into the emotional needs of men and women and how those needs can be met – empathy for women looks different to men (as you so succinctly stated), but it is worth the effort to reap the dividends of relational understanding. Understanding leads to acceptance – When I understand why you respond to empathy the way you do I am able to accept your response as appropriate.
Jeremy
As I was reading your comment, Jeremy, especially the part about men needing validation as well, I realized that you are right. I have noticed the past 5 months why my husband might get angry about something. Usually it is because he has been disrespected in someway or his own ideas, opinions, anger or whatever, has not been validated. So I would agree with you and say that men do need to be validated. I do remember Nate and some other guys were talking with, tell me that when they are explaining a problem from work or some such thing, validation or empathy does not help. Nate says he would rather the person just not say anything if they are going to respond that way. But it is possible that sometimes people (men in this instance), don't exactly know what they need or how their emotions work. Nate would likely say that men are not as emotional with women or at least not to the same level. I don't know about that. I've noticed lots of sensitivity with Nate even though women are the ones generally considered sensitive. Anyway, I'm just rambling about this really. Thanks for the insight. I've heard of the book "LOve and Respect" before and just have never read it, but I want to check it out now!
"not as emotional *as* women."
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