The Time My Marriage Died

I believe it was March of 2011 when my husband came home on a two-week leave from Iraq. Home for me at the time was my cozy little apartment near my friends in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Our long distance relationship up to that point had involved pretty troubled conversations. Our marriage was actually going through a much-needed death. There was so much that was wrong about the foundation of our marriage and how we built upon it. It needed a complete upheaval and the foundation needed to be destroyed in order for us to have a better marriage. (For instance no automatic roles like I do all the housework just because I am the wife. We had to have talks where I explained that I choose to do the housework because I'm better at it, I care about it, and since Nate works full-time, it makes sense for me to do it. So we really just had to redefine things and start from scratch all over again.)

I pushed the fact that we needed to be as upfront about our feelings with each other as possible. As a result, some pretty hurtful stuff came out on both ends. My husband was very hesitant to share his feelings as he knew they would hurt me. He explained that he never felt "in love" with me even when we were dating, but that I just seemed like I was the best match for him he could find and I was also attractive--a big plus in his eyes. As he explained that he more or less married for the sex factor, I began to feel cheap, used, and terribly hurt.

Though I felt I had confirmation from God that this was the man I was to marry, my husband did not feel at all as I did on the matter. He questioned everything about the two of us being together. To him we were like puzzle pieces from two different puzzles, trying to fit together. He had every reason to believe this though. Our personalities clashed and our background baggage affected every bit of the present. My husband had a very strict, isolated, and controlled upbringing. Depression and a nearly-attempted suicide during his teenage years revealed how very much his background had affected him.

 Nate's idea of camping is more rustic than even this.

 Nate became someone who had to have freedom, someone who could not be bound. Nate loves unplanned travel, rustic romp-through-the-jungle-and-discover adventures, and moving on to the next thrill. He has a really hard time with boredom or being weighed down. I, on the other hand, crave structure and planning. Since our first few years of marriage involved a lot of travel around the East, we had a terrible time deciding on the smallest of things. For instance, immediately after getting off the plane, he would want to simply walk out of the airport until we found somewhere that looked ok to bed down for the night. This would send me into a fit of anxiety. "How long are we going to walk?" I would think. "When are we going to find sanitized water to drink? Are we even in the right area to find that? We could be an hour from the tourist areas. We might end up in one of the native's hotels that has cockroaches everywhere." (My memories of bug and critter run-ins from Bangladesh are still very vivid!)

Bangladesh 2005

 So, we would fight, and fight, and fight. I wanted him to understand me. He thought I wanted him to do whatever I wanted him to do, which reminded him of the past he supposedly obtained freedom from.

Finally we came to realize, there was no compromise. Doing things my way (with planning--safely, and comfortably) made anything we were doing no fun at all to Nate. His personality craved adventure. But if I did things his way, I ended up having health issues, anxious, panicked, sometimes throwing up, and feeling crazy. What could be done? How could two people who go about living life so differently, ever make their lives work together? We would spend hours racking our brains and arguing, but we couldn't find an acceptable answer.

 It seemed that our conversations were turning more and more negative as time when by. So at one point I decided I needed to seek help (counselors, reading books, etc.) and this continued for several years. But no one seemed to have an answer for how we lived our lives so differently. Counselors kept saying compromise. But when we compromised, because of the nature of our differences, both of our needs would end up not being met. To add to the already complicated pile of mess, Nate wanted children and I did not (something which I had changed my mind about after we were married, unfortunately for him).

After nearly 5 years of this, Nate finally came to a point where he realized that we could waste our whole married life trying to figure this out and end up just as miserable together as we were at the time. To someone who savors life, such an arrangement seemed a terrible waste.

So, the night before his return back to Iraq, we reluctantly and sadly discussed separation and divorce. I thought it was premature, but I knew I couldn't make someone love me or want to stay I was trying all that I could and even becoming a healthier more beautiful person inside. What else could I do? Finally Nate decided to end our 5 year marriage with a sincere apology for everything and a final note. I sat in disbelief, weeping as I read his goodbye letter. "How did it come to this?" I wondered. "This was meant to be. God showed me it was meant to be that profound week back in college--I know he did. What do I do now? What about my dreams and goals? Having a pretty severe deficit in multitasking, I realized that my life would have to be about working now."

There was such an aching void after he left, that I could hardly bare it. Even now as I write this, I can't avoid the tears. I would wish that no one would ever have to feel those terrible feelings. I began to discuss moving in with my friend to save money and started to plan what I would do financially. But it all seemed so wrong. I had always believed that divorce was just not an option for me. Desperate to find peace or something that made sense, I cried out to God for the hundredth time and then decided to go to the library. There I found a book that ended up turning my marriage around--Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage.

My steady and faithful mother.

Actually, the initial catalyst for change, was my mother. Although I was avoiding "the call" to my parents, I finally found some courage to tell them that Nate and I would be divorcing. Stunned, my mom began arguing with me and telling me that the Bible isn't even clear about divorcing in the case of abuse, much less differences. But I knew that I couldn't make him love me--couldn't make him stay. And I also had to ponder what kind of good it would do to stay in a emotionally disconnected marriage. We were not functional together! I mean literally, we couldn't make any decisions about anything in life. And then the pain of knowing how he really felt about me. Could I live with that the rest of my life? Here again, what good would staying together really do unless there was a change, which was looking very improbable. I explained all of this to mom, but she stood very firm, explaining that I needed to say no to this and ask him back.

I remember being angry at mom for being so insensitive to my pain and lack of control in that situation. She ended up apologizing later. What she doesn't know is that her words, though irritating at the time, were what God used to push me toward reconciliation. I really did love him. I wanted to be there through his victories and losses in life. I wanted to see him develop and grow. I wanted to be there--always. So I sent him a message on facebook and apologized for everything I had done to cause him frustration--both my actions that I felt were valid and those which I knew I should've done differently. I wasn't compromising who I was by apologizing for the actions that I felt were valid. I was validating his feelings--recognizing that regardless of whether or not certain responses I had were appropriate, still I wanted to apologize that those things had left him feeling frustrated. It wasn't about whether or not he should feel the way he felt. I realize now that such a judgement wasn't up to me. I could validate and heal or I could choose to show him why his feelings are wrong. So I apologized, sent a love song to him, and bathed it all in prayer. I felt so desperate and broken-hearted that asking forgiveness almost seemed like I was begging him to come back. What a humbling experience.

 Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Nate had not heard me apologize in a long time. I guess I had felt that my actions and responses were appropriate and valid, so there was no need for apologies. I think I was also too absorbed in trying to "protect myself" from all the instabilities and hurt flying around in our marriage. It was difficult to think of his feelings when it took everything I had just to keep my head above water. Still, in this way I had failed and I didn't realize it until I saw how well Nate responded to my plea for forgiveness.

His desire to divorce changed at that point. How powerful forgiveness and a little humility or validation of another's feelings can be! I was quite surprised to hear him say that he didn't want to talk of divorce ever again.

 I spent a lot of time reading my library book and mulling over the insight I was finding there. Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage presented a totally different way of living life with Nate--the man who may never be "in love" with me. An alternative was offered, not only for divorce but also for losing one's spirit by choosing to stay. I started to realize that I needed to focus on my own self, not on what my husband needed to change. I finally got what I had known most of my life, that you can't change your circumstances or the people around you, but you can control your responses. While contemplating what our marriage would look like, I would start thinking more about what I would say to myself or what I would do if I was ever made to feel unloved. I started to think of techniques for not allowing arguments to send me on an emotional roller coaster (such as stopping the argument when it is getting to that point and locking myself up in my room to decompress). Friends explained ways that I could center myself to keep a strong spirit such as prayer, meditation, and truthful self talk. ("I am loved. I am beautiful. I am not alone.")

But the biggest shift in my thinking was me realizing what love really is. I realized that love is not trying to make someone see how they need to change even if all your other friends see that they are wrong and even if everyone else in the world knows that they need a swift kick in the butt! Love is seeing and accepting--seeing where someone is at and accepting that they are not anything more than what they are right now. The book helped me to face reality--the reality that my husband may never change and that my marriage may always be difficult. But that there is always hope of change and an opportunity for joy. I could at least do what I could for my part and develop a strong, resilient, non-dependent spirit--not a spirit that was numb, dead, or surrounded by walls, but a spirit that could float above the difficulties, a spirit ready for love and goodness should it present itself.

So I learned that I needed to work with Nate from where he was at. I stopped longing for changes. Instead I wrapped my mind around what I could do to work with Nate. I began recognizing what things I couldn't compromise (like speaking to me disrespectfully or asking me to live in an environment that is ugly or thrown together). I realized that whatever I could compromise (but just didn't prefer), I would. I learned how to keep my spirit centered and whole while at the same time, seeking to make Nate happy and fulfilled. I guess I always thought that the Christian way to love involved squashing my spirit for another's well-being. I didn't like that approach and still don't. But I am able to wrap my mind the former way of loving, which is in fact, healthier.

Christmas 2011

My thinking literally did a 180, and it made all the difference. Fortunately, Nate responded well to this change, though in disbelief for several months. He began to treat me better as he saw me treating him better and not depending on him for emotional support or stability. He began not only to show more affection towards me, but to feel more affection. I would say that his love for me deepened. Before his love for me was a love of choice and duty. Now he is able to see the affection side of love more. I can see that he enjoys me, that he wants me to be with him, and that he really does want to make me happy and have a peaceful life with me.

Somehow with the transformations going on, the issue of differences has become smaller. As far as the kids thing, we're still working on that ;) There are other issues we are working on as well, but at least we know we want to be together until we are old and grey.

This concludes the very condensed story of how our marriage died, and found new life. And no we are not perfect now, nor are we devoid of arguments! We still are very different people, both similar in that we are extremely stubborn and strong-willed with very specific ideas of how things should be done. We definitely argue; but our arguments end! We get over it and are back to normal--something we rarely if ever experienced those first five years of marriage. (And actually I've read from psychologists that if a marriage has no arguments, it is unhealthy. Apparently, arguments in and of themselves shouldn't be considered a sign of a sick marriage.)

Divorce is so common now, but I think it is because we don't understand what love is, and we have not learned that we are responsible only for our own responses to life's difficult people or circumstances--that our response is the only thing we should try to change or have control over. Very often when we do not get along well with our spouse, friends or family, we think the fault lies with them. So we try to make them be a) someone they are not or b) a glorified version of themselves--some version way in the future. We need to step back in present time and see our loved ones with new eyes. We need to see them just as they are. Then if we want to pursue a loving relationship with them, we must learn how to work with them from where they are at. If there were more shifts in thought such as this, I think that more often than not, we would find the other party responding well to our love. I think we would see more changes for the better. Let my marriage mistakes encourage you to accept your loved ones more, so you don't have to go through the pain that I went through.

"I lay in dust life's glory dead,

And from the ground there blossoms red,

Life that shall endless be."

~ "O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go" ~

Rose Picture: Photobucket.com