The Mess That Remains

Trauma leaves scars. Trauma leaves holes. Trauma throws dark into our light. Trauma leaves us craving--craving a secure and stable place to plant our feet. Trauma leaves us with need. Sometimes the need is stability, sometimes the need is safety, sometimes the need is love or value. Whatever hole is left, it can often be enough to steal our focus and send us on empty goose chases, screaming for our holes to be filled with any and everything that might be able to do just that.

This is where I am at. Only I don't want to admit that nothing will be able to fill that hole except a combination of openness, introspection, God, and time. Time. It certainly took time to create this hole. Six years of trying every way I could think of to make my marriage relationship work, only to see it fail. Yesterday I was reading a compilation of poems in which the author recounts how her mother used to say that when it comes to relationships, if you love someone, they will love you back. The author goes on to explain that she has found that to be true. I wanted to say "bullsh**"! (Excuse my candor.) If that's always true, then I certainly got gypped! But I know that's not always true. Some people want to love, and don't know how. Many people want to love and don't know how. We carry too much baggage from past hurt that keeps us from being able to give or to receive love well. Then there are those who have been so marred by pain, it would seem what they desire is for others to feel the same pain they have experienced. So they defensively put up walls, deflect everything that's uncomfortable, and throw blame where it doesn't lie. They have sort of given up the fight to believe truth. Knowing how to love well after relationship trauma is hard. The challenge lies in knowing how to respond without aggression and destructiveness toward ourselves (first and foremost) and then to others.

But there is also another challenge. And this is where I struggle. I mentioned six years of trying to make a relationship work, but let me rephrase. Six years of trying to gain favor. Six years of trying to figure out how to be favorable. Six years of fearing the answer to the question, "Am I deeply loved?" Six years that robbed me of precious things--things that I needed to survive. I loved someone with all the love I had to give. And of myself, I also gave all. "Here, you can have every part of me. If what you see is not enough, then I will work to be the most beautiful person you've ever known. I will improve myself. I will change where change is needed. I will face and wage war with any ugly truth about myself no matter how afraid I am to do so." I gave all of me. And now it would seem I wasn't good enough, because he is gone. Gone. And I am left. No, pieces of me are left. And this is what I mean by holes. Relationship trauma leaves us with holes--pieces missing. At least, that's how I feel. What I am getting at is that my struggle now lies in coping with those feelings. My coping mechanism is an addiction of sorts.

How does one cope with the frightening questions that are left about his or her value? How does one cope
with viewing the long, seemingly endless road of healing that lies before them. How do I cope with the uncertainty of the future financially, relationally, emotionally and with the doubt that accompanies each decision made. Will I ever feel whole again? Will a man ever be able to see me, to love me unconditionally, to love me deeply and passionately, and to willingly offer all the work that is required. Will I have lasting value in a man's eyes? Or maybe I am too annoying and ugly. Maybe he will feel enamored at first and then lose it. Am I enough to make someone stay? These are the anxieties left with me. These are the the kinds of demons that haunt me, the lies that flirt with me. These are the holes. These are the scars.

I feel bad. What I mean is that I don't feel good, at all. And though I am aware of which road ahead of me is healthiest to tread on, for the first time in my life, it takes everything I have to walk that path and still I can't walk it well. And the reason is that wanting to feel good pulls at me from every side. Even with a promising music career and things falling in line there, I often find myself addicted to feeling good. The craving doesn't just invade my mind; it's attached to me in a pervasive and aggressive way--a leach that wants to suck any peace that would manifest. My inside screams to do whatever it takes to feel ok. And so I step off my pathway toward health in order to feel that. When I choose to hobble back to the path that leads to healing, this craving knaws at my legs and pulls at my limbs. How can anyone resist that? What am I to do with that? I feel so weak. I am starting to unravel. I am starting to crack. I am exhausted from trying to swim upstream, yet not making it anywhere. I want to distract myself from the fear and confusion. I want to feel good. I want to be touched. I want to be held. I want to be caressed. I want to be carried. I want to rest.

It is confusing to know how to respond. The best road seems too hard to walk on. I feel I can't live up. I want to do things that aren't really in my best interest at the moment. But even though I fall off the pathway quite often, I know I am still trying. Even though I feel shame, I truly do believe God sees my tries and has only grace for me in his hands. I think that right now what is needed is that I embrace the mess I feel I am, instead of resisting it. It is ok. I am ok. Deep breath. Imperfectly struggling along the path of healing is ok. And where humans have taken and destroyed, God gives and breathes new life. I hope in his grace and I trust that his arms are strong enough to carry me; though my hope and trust are so meager and small, the lies so loud. But God will take faith the size of a mustard seed. It's not about the amount. It's about the fact that it is even there at all. For the first time in my life, I get that.

God, love me and show me how to love myself, because no one else's love is enough right now. Help me not to stand paralyzed in despair, staring at the long road of healing ahead. Instead give me strength of will to focus on one step at a time. Help me as I stop this striving to figure it all out. Give me grace to just be, to rest, to live patiently. Help my exhaustion. Fill in my holes. Repair the damage these scars reveal. Breathe new life into me and redeem this mess.

Taking a Break

This site is temporarily paused. There are some family issues that need to be worked out. I hope to be back here at the latest, by summer! In the meantime, I am testing to see how much exercise can control food cravings. So far it's doing wonderfully in significantly reducing my sugar cravings. I had no idea that exercise could make it so much easier to eat right!

Hard Stuff is a Pruning Device

"If you come into hard times, where all is going sour, don’t sit there and presume that you know how it will turn out! Think instead, that it is a good thing to have come to this hole in your life, because…as this happens, some things that do not belong in your life will fall away!"

A Lesson in Expectations

I am realizing lately that I need to lower my expectations of others. The way I was brought up was to be very particular about not inconveniencing other people. Though I struggle with time management and can sometimes be late, generally speaking, if it's an event where I know people are waiting on me to get started, I try my best to be on time or early. I attempt to answer every phone call or text as soon as I can, because I know I have a pretty disorganized brain! If I don't do reply right away, I may never reply!

But even the best of people don't always value being considerate as much as I have been raised to value it. Recently, I hosted my very first baby shower for a close friend. I gave the invites to the couple to hand out to their work friends (at the couple's request), as they kept forgetting to get addresses and contact info. I was sure to include an RSVP email on the invites. Two weeks went by and there was no reply--from anyone. Finally after waiting until the last possible moment to shop, I realized that I had no idea how many people to plan for. No one may show up or a handful could show up. And I couldn't cancel because I had no one's contact info and someone might have showed up at the door, ready for the party.

 All I could think of was, how rude! I was going to have to bake a bunch of stuff for this brunch, buy cutlery, plates, napkins, gifts for game winners, food, drinks, party favors and so on for an event where likely no one would show. At the time, I really did not have extra money floating around either. Finally the shower began. Food was arranged carefully on nice dishes and music was playing. One person showed an hour late. The only other guest arrived two hours late. My friend was embarrassed and uncomfortable at the way the whole ordeal turned out. And I was thrown under the bus for it.

I was so pissed at the whole ordeal, that I never wanted to do something nice ever again! Seeking some validation, I called another friend who was quite the expert at event planning and asked her if this kind of situation was typical. Apparently it is pretty rare to RSVP nowadays. She explained to me that you have to go into one of these events expecting frustration. She has even had quite a few situations where it is like pulling teeth to get any necessary info from the person she is hosting the event for (addresses of guests, etc...). It has made her feel like no one really cares about the event but her herself. "You just have to try to remind yourself that you are doing something that they will be very thankful for later," she explained.

I felt better after talking to my friend, but it took me a while to get over how frustrated I was. And here I am offering my services for another situation where I am being inconvenienced once again. A simple text would have been plenty sufficient to avoid waisting my time, sleep, and gas money in this present circumstance. How irritating!

Driving in southern Georgia is another cause of frustration. I never had road rage until I moved here!

 The sheer amount of people who pull out in front of you, instead of the lane beside you, and then proceed to accelerate so slowly that you almost wreck trying to adjust....is insane. It is also very interesting how a regional group's driving reveals their values. In the north, for instance, people have somewhere to go. Time efficiency is valued. They may be rude and cut you off, but they will often speed up. There is an understanding that other people have somewhere to go. Here, their driving reveals how little they care about anyone else. They will do what they want [on the road] because their own self is what is most important. Granted many people here have nothing to do or nowhere to go, so I am sure they think no one else does either. But it's no excuse! (I am so full of mercy right now aren't I!) This attitude of "the-world-revolves-around-me" certainly is reflected everywhere--in sales, in customer service, everywhere.

These are the kind of things that have been making it hard to do the little everyday stuff. I am filled with a mixture of anger and resentment. Anger at people's self-centered attitudes that make everyone else's lives harder. Resentful that others don't want to give me the respect and care that I give them. Saturday, everything piled on me so heavily that I was on the brink of tears all day. I felt that I couldn't stand it anymore--feeling neglected, used, and devalued. I burst into a few anger-filled crying sessions as the day progressed, feeling as though I just want to give up trying at all.

But this has been a lesson in expectations and pride. I realized last week that I can continue being frustrated daily by Georgia drivers, friends, clients, and family or I can lower my expectations. It is not easy wrapping my mind around that. It seems like a defeat of sorts. I want to rebel and say no I am not budging for your crap! But I know I am only making it more difficult for myself by having that attitude. We will be given the same mercy we show others. And I will sure as heck need it at times in the future. I think I get prideful and forget that.

I also realize that I will be a much better person, with a lot more grace and love, if I can learn to handle these kinds of situations well. Unsure of where to go from here, at least I realize what I need to work on. Now for strength of will and "how."

Picture 1: http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1366&bih=646&tbm=isch&tbnid=AHRq5o-unzJ7DM:&imgrefurl=http://mikshorty.com/&docid=e1fv2rIq3cH6ZM&imgurl=http://mlizcochico.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/frazzled.jpg&w=364&h=300&ei=lhleT6jpK4Lw0gHI_sCGBA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=237&sig=106167271823105827035&page=2&tbnh=137&tbnw=168&start=22&ndsp=27&ved=1t:429,r:10,s:22&tx=121&ty=60

"Sex, Marriage, and Fairytales"

Some good insight into marriage and relationships.

Awareness and Acceptance

"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."

 —William Shakespeare

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." —Carl Jung

Communication: Building Bridges to Compromise

In marriage, things go a lot smoother once both parties can recognize what is going on in each argument, disagreement, or upset and can then communicate well about it.

For instance, Nate and I recently had an upset about our puppy, Luther. Luther has not had all of his shots yet, so I tend to be a little more protective about where he plays, drinks from, etc... Last Sunday, as I opened the back door to get something, Luther ran out and starting drinking rain water from outside. Anxious, I quickly said "No!" Nate started saying, "What are you doing? What are doing?" Apparently, Nate thought it a better idea to choose our battles so we are not constantly saying no. Though I thought his point was valid, still I thought I knew enough about bacteria to be able to make a snap decision about this wisely. So we argued.

In a previous article I mentioned that my husband doesn't need validation from me like I need it from him. When referring to sharing our problems or stresses, this is normally true. Nate would prefer solutions to his problems or just the freedom to not have to share them; I would prefer validation and a listening ear most often. But as my pastor shared with me, men, and Nate in particular, still do need validation generally speaking. Seeing that the argument was getting emotional quick, I tried to think of a way to bring our emotions back down. After we had thoroughly talked about each side of the issue, I responded, "Well I see your point and think it's valid. Do you see the validity of my point?" After Nate responded with a yes, I then asked, "How do you think we could compromise so both of our anxieties about the puppy's welfare are worked out?"

Then my husband got caught up in the the word "anxiety." It's amazing how much a small word or phrase can push a person to defensive mode. "What? I'm not being anxious. Now my mom is an anxious person--always anxious, as you know. But not me--ever." I imagined that this is what was going on in Nate's head. My husband's mom controlled or limited the family too much because of her anxieties. Anxiety was an emotional, negative word to Nate and I should've known not to use it in reference to his behavior. So I rephrased with "concerns" and proceeded to offer a compromise.

At the beginning of our marriage, I would think my way was right and reasoned that because of that, I needn't offer a compromise. But that attitude helped dig us further and further into a hole emotionally. I've become much better at thinking of compromises! So I simply said, "How about next time I dump the water out without saying no?" Nate liked the idea and the argument was over. My desires didn't get trampled upon and neither did his.

Compromise is definitely a huge part of marriage as many couples know. But good communication is important as well (for instance, not using emotional words, like "anxiety" was for Nate), and couples can rarely get through that part alone, much less proceed to compromise.

Communication has many facets, so it can be hard to learn how to do this well, especially if many bad communication techniques developed from a young age, must be undone. The frustrating part is that compromise often follows good communication. If you think about, usually compromise is made after a discussion about the two sides of the issue right? But couples often get stuck in communication. We get offended by our partner's use of emotional words, loud voice, sarcasm (often subtle disrespect), and so forth. This is all very subtle so it is easy for an argument to escalate, and 30 minutes later, both are wondering how a conversation about which brand of dog food to buy got so emotionally heated!

The point I'm making is that we often get stuck in communication--not even really knowing what is going on. If we want to build bridges to compromise, then working on communication will help us with that. Consider reading a book on good communication skills. That helped me to be more aware of what is going on.

Another thing that helped me to recognize deflection, shifting blame and whatever other bad communication habits we had was to email or instant message Nate when we were arguing over an issue, print it out, and then show it to someone who already had good communication skills. I was given a lot of helpful advice that way. And it is so worth the slight embarrassment to ask for someone's help.

Whatever works for you, do it! Good communication makes a huge difference in the kind of energy your home has. Is it negative or positive? Turbulent or peaceful? Great communication involves knowing about your partner, including his or her background and insecurities; then finding the least offensive way to make your point, so it is received in the best possible way. I always knew communication was important, but I've never really seen it's impact until recently. Once there is significantly less attacking, shifting blame, or other bad communication habits going on in our arguments, then compromise is able to be attained much easier. And the result of good communication and compromise? A high likelihood for a great marriage.

  Animation and Pictures: Photobucket.com

"Do You Need a New Marriage?"

Mark Driscoll and his wife recently came out with a book called Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together that apparently addresses a full-range of marriage issues. From what I've read of the reviews, this book seems to be very specific in what it addresses as well as the kind of advice given. Though I am not really a big fan of Driscoll's, still this book seems intriguing. I would definitely like to see a Christian tackle specific issues that we face today with sex and marriage.

The Washington Post published an article in January written by Mars Hill pastor, Mark Driscoll. The article is titled, Do You Need a New Marriage? and includes a list of statistics about our society's trend of divorcing and remarrying as well as living together. Perhaps like many of you, I had already heard the dismal fate of many second marriages. But what was shocking to me were the statistics about couples who cohabitate. Driscoll states, "Studies almost always find that cohabitation is associated with a higher divorce risk, with estimates ranging from 33 percent to 151 percent increased risk of divorce."

I must say, that until now, I had begun to think that living together as a precursor to marriage, seemed like a great idea. At least, such an arrangement seemed like it would've solved a lot of the issues that Nate and I had with not really knowing each other or how we would do with sharing an income and making decisions as one. Makes sense to give it a trial run. But, if these statistics really are accurate, then I think I've changed my mind!

Using these statistics and many  more, Driscoll essentially proves how the methods we are using to obtain better marriages, simply are not working. If remarrying and cohabitating are often not creating better marriages, then what? Driscoll's response is, "Start a new marriage with the same spouse."

What is oh-so-hard about that proposal is that our present culture breeds very few people with that mindset. The chances of matching two people up who are willing to "start a new marriage with the same spouse" even after the many frustrations and stings, is very rare now. I think about my marriage and how it's improved so much in just a year's time. But if my husband didn't care about fixing things, didn't care to work on communication or other issues, then I don't honestly know where we would be right now. One person cannot pull the weight of change and love while the other deflects love or stifles it. It takes two to really make a marriage work. What are the chances these days of pairing two people together who are willing to start a marriage and restart and restart again if necessary and so on. The fact is that most often, people change in some way after marriage. If the spouse finds it too difficult to flow with that change, then that couple is likely screwed! If divorce is not their avenue of choice, then they are looking at many years of heated arguments or cold silence, frustration, stings, pricks, pokes, pain, hurt, distance, deadness.

Yet as I sit here thinking about all this, I realize that there is always hope. Based on my experiences, I do believe there is a lot of power both in prayer and in positive, grateful thinking. Also, the Bible speaks of a husband being won over by his wife's good conduct. I think that being won over doesn't just apply to becoming a Christian, but also to becoming a more loving person. Meekness (power that is controlled) often yields a good response. As we focus on what our responsibilities are in the relationship, and we become good at that, good at loving, then I believe very often we will see a re-kindled desire in our apathetic partners for re-creating a beautiful and harmonious relationship.

So maybe starting a new marriage with the same spouse is not only possible but probable in regards to producing a great marriage.That's good 'cause I sure as heck don't have what it takes to start over with a completely different set of past baggage, idiosyncrasies, and expectations!

Acceptance

"I love and accept myself the way I am and I love and accept others in the same way,"

http://www.aplacefortheheart.co.uk/frame.php?sp=/affirmations/affirmrelations.htm
Picture: photobucket.com

Love Sees

One time my brother said to me, "Sometimes when I show sympathy to my wife about something she is bothered by, she ends up crying or getting more upset." I'm guessing that my brother thought his sympathy should cause her to basically get over it. Crying seemed to be the last way he would expect her to respond after he did what  any woman would want and sympathized.

I thought, that does happen with women often. Why do we do that? Are we really more upset? It's been a year now that I've been mulling over this from time to time. And I've come to realize that often when someone sympathizes or empathizes with us, it provides the emotional release we need. So, we may cry as evidence of that. If a man wants his wife to shut-up, he should probably spend more time telling her how to fix her problem or get over it. However, that could backfire! He may find himself listening to his wife's newly developed problem--him!

Often telling a woman to fix her problem or get over it may shut us up, but that silence doesn't mean we feel better. It means our voice has been stifled. Likely, most women already know this, I just thought it was interesting how that when I get sympathy or support for a hard problem I'm facing, I end up reacting more emotional.

 My husband and I argued this weekend over this very issue. He explained that he did want to love me well, but that it is frustrating to have to listen to me go on about a problem even if I explain what I need from him (to listen or validate or whatever). Even if he knows that by doing these things, he can be helpful, still it's just plain irritating to him. (I did go on and on about one of my recent girlfriend issues.) Nate went on to explain that he wants to be honest, tell me exactly what he thinks and exactly what I need to do. He could only bite his tongue for so long. Life lesson learned here? Sometimes we don't care if loving others in the way they need to be loved is helpful to them. We want to love them in the way we think best. It's SO MUCH EASIER that way! But if we are not careful, we will wake up one day and realize that there is a huge chasm between us and the ones we love. This approach distances us from our loved ones and it certainly doesn't help them any either. Regarding this issue, Nate is certainly not the only culprit and though he doesn't always want to listen to me, at least he is aware that I need it at times. I, on the other hand, am not always so aware. There are definitely times when I find myself in arguments with Nate over an issue where I have disrespected him unknowingly. Being aware of our loved one's needs and boundaries is very important if we are ever to love them well.

It was important for me to understand that my husband doesn't need the same kind of treatment as I do. He doesn't need for me to listen to his problems, validate the difficulty he is facing, and tell him that I'm here for him. He prefers not sharing his problems at all, as many males do. At the end of a work day, he would rather me not even ask about his day. I always think, well he needs someone to listen to his struggles. But I've come to realize that men are different than women in this way, generally speaking. He usually doesn't need someone to listen to his problems. Solutions can be great for a male, but often men seek release from their problems by listening to music, watching TV, or listening to other people's problems. Dr. John Grey of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus explains this often in his lectures and books. Our relationship seems to work best when I don't prod about things that are bothering Nate and when I simply give him space. Seems so odd to me as a woman!

I can see now, that loving someone in the way they need to be loved brings release, relief, and healing to the suffering one. And we draw closer to them as we love them in such a way.

One aspect of love that I am working on is "seeing." Because I know that loving (my husband in particular) means that I open my eyes to what he is asking or needing from me and that I go on to respect that. Be aware this week of how your loved one needs to be loved or even how your loved one is asking to be loved. Sometimes we think others need to hear something that they are really not receptive to. Not every time is the appropriate time for "truth". We should all be careful about intrusion and overstepping our boundaries. Respect is an important part of love.


Picture: photbucket.com

Our New Chatbox Feature!

An awesome new feature has been added to this blog. I have high hopes for this little chatbox, that it might provide encouragement and support for you all. When I was dealing with a lot of my baggage from the past and all the marriage issues, I just needed to talk about what was going on SO MUCH. In addition, I needed a lot of advice and someone to be there willing to listen so I didn't feel alone. There were many times that I thought of suicide and how much I wanted to die because the issues were overwhelming me so much. I don't know what I would've done without the amazing support I had. So I want to offer that to any of you who may come to need it. (And of course, I'm gonna utilize it to! So some of you healthier folk may want to stop by every now and then and offer your experienced advice!)

Location: Scroll down and you will see it on your right.

About: Chatbox can be used whether I am online or not. This is a place where you are free to post knowing that you will not be receiving judgement or criticism; instead, encouragement and love. There is no judgement here. The range of issues that our chatbox mentors have had to face in their own lives include cutting, sexual abuse, and demon oppression amongst other things. Most of our mentors deal with others regularly, however, who may have different issues than their own. So there is a lot of experience there.

Here are some of the ways that chatbox can be used:

• Posting advice or resources for others. 
• Posting prayer requests. We would love to pray for you--anonymous or not.
• Talking about issues you are dealing with.  
• Posting questions (You can be as anonymous as you'd like. Make up a name if you wish.) Maybe you are experiencing a difficult situation and need some advice or an answer to a question. Our pastor's, counselors, and confidants will be monitoring the chatbox from time to time to offer some perspective or just some compassion.
• Anything you would like to share with someone that has been a blessing for you: a testimony about what is going on, an issue that has been dealt with, a book or article that you've found helpful for you, etc... 
• Any health related thoughts--whether emotional, physical or spiritual health.

* The purpose of chatbox would not be to discuss philosophical issues. Let's keep the topic help-based and health-based (emotional, spiritual, physical).

Love you guys and thanks in advance for your vulnerability (which is courageous and beautiful) and your support ~

The Time My Marriage Died

I believe it was March of 2011 when my husband came home on a two-week leave from Iraq. Home for me at the time was my cozy little apartment near my friends in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Our long distance relationship up to that point had involved pretty troubled conversations. Our marriage was actually going through a much-needed death. There was so much that was wrong about the foundation of our marriage and how we built upon it. It needed a complete upheaval and the foundation needed to be destroyed in order for us to have a better marriage. (For instance no automatic roles like I do all the housework just because I am the wife. We had to have talks where I explained that I choose to do the housework because I'm better at it, I care about it, and since Nate works full-time, it makes sense for me to do it. So we really just had to redefine things and start from scratch all over again.)

I pushed the fact that we needed to be as upfront about our feelings with each other as possible. As a result, some pretty hurtful stuff came out on both ends. My husband was very hesitant to share his feelings as he knew they would hurt me. He explained that he never felt "in love" with me even when we were dating, but that I just seemed like I was the best match for him he could find and I was also attractive--a big plus in his eyes. As he explained that he more or less married for the sex factor, I began to feel cheap, used, and terribly hurt.

Though I felt I had confirmation from God that this was the man I was to marry, my husband did not feel at all as I did on the matter. He questioned everything about the two of us being together. To him we were like puzzle pieces from two different puzzles, trying to fit together. He had every reason to believe this though. Our personalities clashed and our background baggage affected every bit of the present. My husband had a very strict, isolated, and controlled upbringing. Depression and a nearly-attempted suicide during his teenage years revealed how very much his background had affected him.

 Nate's idea of camping is more rustic than even this.

 Nate became someone who had to have freedom, someone who could not be bound. Nate loves unplanned travel, rustic romp-through-the-jungle-and-discover adventures, and moving on to the next thrill. He has a really hard time with boredom or being weighed down. I, on the other hand, crave structure and planning. Since our first few years of marriage involved a lot of travel around the East, we had a terrible time deciding on the smallest of things. For instance, immediately after getting off the plane, he would want to simply walk out of the airport until we found somewhere that looked ok to bed down for the night. This would send me into a fit of anxiety. "How long are we going to walk?" I would think. "When are we going to find sanitized water to drink? Are we even in the right area to find that? We could be an hour from the tourist areas. We might end up in one of the native's hotels that has cockroaches everywhere." (My memories of bug and critter run-ins from Bangladesh are still very vivid!)

Bangladesh 2005

 So, we would fight, and fight, and fight. I wanted him to understand me. He thought I wanted him to do whatever I wanted him to do, which reminded him of the past he supposedly obtained freedom from.

Finally we came to realize, there was no compromise. Doing things my way (with planning--safely, and comfortably) made anything we were doing no fun at all to Nate. His personality craved adventure. But if I did things his way, I ended up having health issues, anxious, panicked, sometimes throwing up, and feeling crazy. What could be done? How could two people who go about living life so differently, ever make their lives work together? We would spend hours racking our brains and arguing, but we couldn't find an acceptable answer.

 It seemed that our conversations were turning more and more negative as time when by. So at one point I decided I needed to seek help (counselors, reading books, etc.) and this continued for several years. But no one seemed to have an answer for how we lived our lives so differently. Counselors kept saying compromise. But when we compromised, because of the nature of our differences, both of our needs would end up not being met. To add to the already complicated pile of mess, Nate wanted children and I did not (something which I had changed my mind about after we were married, unfortunately for him).

After nearly 5 years of this, Nate finally came to a point where he realized that we could waste our whole married life trying to figure this out and end up just as miserable together as we were at the time. To someone who savors life, such an arrangement seemed a terrible waste.

So, the night before his return back to Iraq, we reluctantly and sadly discussed separation and divorce. I thought it was premature, but I knew I couldn't make someone love me or want to stay I was trying all that I could and even becoming a healthier more beautiful person inside. What else could I do? Finally Nate decided to end our 5 year marriage with a sincere apology for everything and a final note. I sat in disbelief, weeping as I read his goodbye letter. "How did it come to this?" I wondered. "This was meant to be. God showed me it was meant to be that profound week back in college--I know he did. What do I do now? What about my dreams and goals? Having a pretty severe deficit in multitasking, I realized that my life would have to be about working now."

There was such an aching void after he left, that I could hardly bare it. Even now as I write this, I can't avoid the tears. I would wish that no one would ever have to feel those terrible feelings. I began to discuss moving in with my friend to save money and started to plan what I would do financially. But it all seemed so wrong. I had always believed that divorce was just not an option for me. Desperate to find peace or something that made sense, I cried out to God for the hundredth time and then decided to go to the library. There I found a book that ended up turning my marriage around--Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage.

My steady and faithful mother.

Actually, the initial catalyst for change, was my mother. Although I was avoiding "the call" to my parents, I finally found some courage to tell them that Nate and I would be divorcing. Stunned, my mom began arguing with me and telling me that the Bible isn't even clear about divorcing in the case of abuse, much less differences. But I knew that I couldn't make him love me--couldn't make him stay. And I also had to ponder what kind of good it would do to stay in a emotionally disconnected marriage. We were not functional together! I mean literally, we couldn't make any decisions about anything in life. And then the pain of knowing how he really felt about me. Could I live with that the rest of my life? Here again, what good would staying together really do unless there was a change, which was looking very improbable. I explained all of this to mom, but she stood very firm, explaining that I needed to say no to this and ask him back.

I remember being angry at mom for being so insensitive to my pain and lack of control in that situation. She ended up apologizing later. What she doesn't know is that her words, though irritating at the time, were what God used to push me toward reconciliation. I really did love him. I wanted to be there through his victories and losses in life. I wanted to see him develop and grow. I wanted to be there--always. So I sent him a message on facebook and apologized for everything I had done to cause him frustration--both my actions that I felt were valid and those which I knew I should've done differently. I wasn't compromising who I was by apologizing for the actions that I felt were valid. I was validating his feelings--recognizing that regardless of whether or not certain responses I had were appropriate, still I wanted to apologize that those things had left him feeling frustrated. It wasn't about whether or not he should feel the way he felt. I realize now that such a judgement wasn't up to me. I could validate and heal or I could choose to show him why his feelings are wrong. So I apologized, sent a love song to him, and bathed it all in prayer. I felt so desperate and broken-hearted that asking forgiveness almost seemed like I was begging him to come back. What a humbling experience.

 Apparently, unbeknownst to me, Nate had not heard me apologize in a long time. I guess I had felt that my actions and responses were appropriate and valid, so there was no need for apologies. I think I was also too absorbed in trying to "protect myself" from all the instabilities and hurt flying around in our marriage. It was difficult to think of his feelings when it took everything I had just to keep my head above water. Still, in this way I had failed and I didn't realize it until I saw how well Nate responded to my plea for forgiveness.

His desire to divorce changed at that point. How powerful forgiveness and a little humility or validation of another's feelings can be! I was quite surprised to hear him say that he didn't want to talk of divorce ever again.

 I spent a lot of time reading my library book and mulling over the insight I was finding there. Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage presented a totally different way of living life with Nate--the man who may never be "in love" with me. An alternative was offered, not only for divorce but also for losing one's spirit by choosing to stay. I started to realize that I needed to focus on my own self, not on what my husband needed to change. I finally got what I had known most of my life, that you can't change your circumstances or the people around you, but you can control your responses. While contemplating what our marriage would look like, I would start thinking more about what I would say to myself or what I would do if I was ever made to feel unloved. I started to think of techniques for not allowing arguments to send me on an emotional roller coaster (such as stopping the argument when it is getting to that point and locking myself up in my room to decompress). Friends explained ways that I could center myself to keep a strong spirit such as prayer, meditation, and truthful self talk. ("I am loved. I am beautiful. I am not alone.")

But the biggest shift in my thinking was me realizing what love really is. I realized that love is not trying to make someone see how they need to change even if all your other friends see that they are wrong and even if everyone else in the world knows that they need a swift kick in the butt! Love is seeing and accepting--seeing where someone is at and accepting that they are not anything more than what they are right now. The book helped me to face reality--the reality that my husband may never change and that my marriage may always be difficult. But that there is always hope of change and an opportunity for joy. I could at least do what I could for my part and develop a strong, resilient, non-dependent spirit--not a spirit that was numb, dead, or surrounded by walls, but a spirit that could float above the difficulties, a spirit ready for love and goodness should it present itself.

So I learned that I needed to work with Nate from where he was at. I stopped longing for changes. Instead I wrapped my mind around what I could do to work with Nate. I began recognizing what things I couldn't compromise (like speaking to me disrespectfully or asking me to live in an environment that is ugly or thrown together). I realized that whatever I could compromise (but just didn't prefer), I would. I learned how to keep my spirit centered and whole while at the same time, seeking to make Nate happy and fulfilled. I guess I always thought that the Christian way to love involved squashing my spirit for another's well-being. I didn't like that approach and still don't. But I am able to wrap my mind the former way of loving, which is in fact, healthier.

Christmas 2011

My thinking literally did a 180, and it made all the difference. Fortunately, Nate responded well to this change, though in disbelief for several months. He began to treat me better as he saw me treating him better and not depending on him for emotional support or stability. He began not only to show more affection towards me, but to feel more affection. I would say that his love for me deepened. Before his love for me was a love of choice and duty. Now he is able to see the affection side of love more. I can see that he enjoys me, that he wants me to be with him, and that he really does want to make me happy and have a peaceful life with me.

Somehow with the transformations going on, the issue of differences has become smaller. As far as the kids thing, we're still working on that ;) There are other issues we are working on as well, but at least we know we want to be together until we are old and grey.

This concludes the very condensed story of how our marriage died, and found new life. And no we are not perfect now, nor are we devoid of arguments! We still are very different people, both similar in that we are extremely stubborn and strong-willed with very specific ideas of how things should be done. We definitely argue; but our arguments end! We get over it and are back to normal--something we rarely if ever experienced those first five years of marriage. (And actually I've read from psychologists that if a marriage has no arguments, it is unhealthy. Apparently, arguments in and of themselves shouldn't be considered a sign of a sick marriage.)

Divorce is so common now, but I think it is because we don't understand what love is, and we have not learned that we are responsible only for our own responses to life's difficult people or circumstances--that our response is the only thing we should try to change or have control over. Very often when we do not get along well with our spouse, friends or family, we think the fault lies with them. So we try to make them be a) someone they are not or b) a glorified version of themselves--some version way in the future. We need to step back in present time and see our loved ones with new eyes. We need to see them just as they are. Then if we want to pursue a loving relationship with them, we must learn how to work with them from where they are at. If there were more shifts in thought such as this, I think that more often than not, we would find the other party responding well to our love. I think we would see more changes for the better. Let my marriage mistakes encourage you to accept your loved ones more, so you don't have to go through the pain that I went through.

"I lay in dust life's glory dead,

And from the ground there blossoms red,

Life that shall endless be."

~ "O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go" ~

Rose Picture: Photobucket.com

"This is the Way; Walk in it"

A verse in church today made me think: "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" ~ Isaiah 30:21

My Thoughts:

~ Listen to your gut, to those quiet nudges and feelings. I believe that for the child of God who is seeking God's way in their life, those quiet nudges and feelings are often the voice of God.

~ May confidence fill you as you trust that God "opens doors no one can lock [not even our own selves], locking doors that no one can open." (Revelations 3:7) Be confident about the way you walk, the pathways you choose to follow, and the open doors you decide to walk through. Those doors are open because God opened them. And the door we try to "open" where the timing feels off or everything attempted feels off--the doorway that is characterized by effort and then resulting frustration--that door may likely be closed. Try not to waste too much of your time and life waiting for God's answer as to which doorway to enter. As you walk, he will make it known which door is open and which is closed.

Trust in God's guidance for you this week. Be confident in that knowledge and walk with awareness (and a radio frequency tuned to God) toward where your heart is nudging you to go!

"I see what you've done. Now see what I've done. I've opened a door before you that no one can slam shut. You don't have much strength, I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn't deny me when times were rough. Because you kept my word in passionate patience, I'll keep you safe in the time of testing that will be here soon...I'll make each conqueror a pillar in the sanctuary of my God, a permanent position of honor." ~ Revelations 3:8-12

Picture: Photobucket.com

"Fit, Fun and Faith"

This is a 40 minute presentation by Dr. Amen. It is well worth the time! In this presentation, Dr. Amen discusses how important it is to take care of our brains, how to take care of our brains, and what problems an unhealthy brains will create. Topics covered are weight loss/obesity, anxiety, depression, personality issues, Alzheimers, sleep apnea, addictions, and so forth.  His lecture is very practical and easy to understand. Enjoy!

Tailored Treatment for Weight Loss and a Healthier Body

This video clip is from Rachael Ray's show! It involves a brain scan of a woman in the audience who is trying to lose weight. Dr. Amen is able to give her tailored advice for weight loss based on her scan. Finally, a way  to lose weight that makes sense and doesn't involve unnatural pills! I love how Dr. Amen works in that he is one doctor who actually gets to the root of issues instead of throwing meds at the symptoms. Awesome!

To see what type of over-eater you are, visit http://www.theamensolution.com/home_new/. Do a quick sign-up and begin your test. I took the test just now. The results gave me tailored information for how to get those out-of-balance areas of my brain back to optimal function. The test also told me what specific kind of eater I was.

Like I said in my last post, Dr. Amen's book, "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" was definitely life-changing for me. I have heard a lot of good things about his other books, specifically "Change Your Brain, Change Your Body" which is featured in this interview with Rachel Ray.

Now for the interview, part 1 and 2: